


Diffused

by flynnaw00



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon), steven universe future - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Attempt at Humor, BY THE WAY THIS IS NOT A SHIP FIC, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, more to be added probably - Freeform, please heed the trigger warnings this gets dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27532861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flynnaw00/pseuds/flynnaw00
Summary: Steven struggles to love himself after everything he's done, and pushes away everyone close to him as a result. Now the only person who can help him love himself, is himself.
Relationships: Steven Universe & Pink Steven Universe
Comments: 37
Kudos: 123





	1. Diffused

**Author's Note:**

> Hell yeah babey new SU fic here we goooo. This one's been in the works for a while and I really hope y'all enjoy! Also to everyone who's not here from tumblr, here is the blog for this AU! I'll answer questions there, post art, promos, and updates!
> 
> https://sudiffusedau.tumblr.com/
> 
> So please check it out!
> 
> tw// suicide attempt, suicidal idealization (kinda), blood, suicidal thoughts, negative views of mental illness, violence, mention of emeto,
> 
> by the way, about the negative views of mental illness, I want to say as a disclaimer that I do not share those views.
> 
> ALSO ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: THIS. IS. NOT. SHIP!

“Please, don’t follow me!” Steven pleaded to the Diamonds, ignoring their concerned faces as he was beamed up into the warp's light. He touched down in the house, hyperventilating.   


_ Okay,  _ He thought.  _ All I need to do is pretend like everything’s fine- I’ll go to my bedroom, stop glowing, then tell the gems everything went well… _

...   
  
“... What am I  _ thinking _ ?” He wheezed, tugging at his hair. “I can’t let the gems see me like this!”   
  
He warped again, mind frantically switching from one place to another: the battlefield, the desert, Little Homeworld, Homeworld--

He finally flung himself off of the warp and landed in The Garden, shaking and swelling as a panic attack began to take hold. Blood pounded in his ears as his shaky hands yanked and pulled on his curly locks. Everything in his mind was running a thousand miles per hour and his heart was matching the rhythm. Suddenly, his foot hit an uprooted tile and he tripped, slamming into the ground. He groaned and sobbed, shakily getting up and finding himself staring right back at his reflection in the dirty pond. 

His eyes widened.

His eyes.

They were  _ diamonds. _

“No.” He whispered, looking closer, as if the water was playing a trick. “No, no. N--”   
  
He gripped the tile and forced back bile.

“God, why!?”   
  
He slammed his fist weakly into the ground, freely sobbing now. 

“Why am I like this…?” He wondered aloud, curling up on the cold tile. “How did things get this way…?”

His gem pulsed in his stomach, swelling another limb. He winced, then froze.

“...”   
  
“You.” He whispered, casting an accusatory glance down at his gem. “YOU! It’s all YOUR fault!”   
  
He sat up shakily, lifting up his shirt. “... This stupid gem… this stupid destiny-- if I didn’t have a gem, then none of this would’ve happened! If I could just get rid of this…”   
  
He buried his face in his hands.

“Why couldn’t I just be  _ normal _ ?” 

He sniffled, burying his head in his knees and shifting his hands up to his hair, running them through to try and calm himself down.  _ Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why can’t he be a regular human being like Connie, or his dad, or Sadie, or Lars-- _

He opened his eyes. “... Lars…”

He lifted up his head. “... M-maybe… I  _ could  _ be human.”

He put his hand to his chin, scratching in thought. “If… If I can revive people… If I can revive  _ humans _ … then maybe… maybe if  _ I  _ get revived, then--”   
  
He groaned and shook his head. “No! No! That’s stupid! I’m--” He dragged his hands down his face. “I’m not gonna  _ kill _ myself…” 

_ But, it wouldn’t really be killing himself, right? He’d just die for a little bit and then be reborn as a human! No problems! _

“But that’s crazy… What if it doesn’t work?” He muttered to himself. 

_ What if it  _ **_does?_ **

“...” He looked back down at his reflection, the water deathly still.

“Is this crazy? Am I crazy?”   


He shook his head, thinking to himself:  _ No, it’s not like he’s  _ **_really_ ** _ killing himself! It’s different! Because it’s not like he WANTS to die or anything! He just doesn’t want to keep living as himself-- he needs to be a human being, then he’ll be happy! Plus, it isn’t like everything’s not okay now, anyways. There’s nobody else to fight, and even if there were, could he really fight them in this state?  _

_ Well, of course he could fight them… he’s so powerful that-- _

His eyes widened.

_ What if he shatters them? _

_ Oh, stars, what if he shatters them? _

_ What if the next Spinel, the next Jasper-- the next Bluebird comes and tries to hurt people-- and instead of talking it out and making things better, he just loses it and shatters them? _

_ What if he does it in front of his family? _

_ What if they finally realize how much of a monster he is-- _

Searing pain suddenly shot up his back. He hissed and doubled over, vision disfiguring. “S-shoot-- okay, c-calm down, Steven. Calm down…”   
  
He gripped the tile. “I-- I--”   
  
_ If he shattered Jasper, and almost shattered White, where does that leave him? Is he just going on a spree now? What if he can’t control himself? What if he shatters one of the  _ **_Crystal Gems?_ ** _   
_ _   
_ He gagged at the thought. A part of his mind was telling him that it was ridiculous, that he would  _ never  _ do that.

But, at the same time:  _ wouldn’t he? If every outburst he had could kill someone, and he can’t stop having outbursts-- _

_ That was it.  _ He decided.  _ I need to be human. For everyone’s sake… and my own. _

He slowly lowered his shaking hands from his face and opened his eyes, greeted with cold, unfeeling, stars in the great expanse of space. He shuddered as they brought back horrible memories: _ Homeworld, being bubbled, Spinel… _

All the more reason to get this over with.

He planted his hand on the grimy tile, hoisting himself to sit up. Having a panic attack really took it out of him… 

He grunted as he finally got to a stable position, breathing shaky, but slower than it was before. He glanced back up at the warp, which wasn’t too far away. Good, he needed to be able to get there as soon as it was done.

He gulped and lifted up his shirt, his other hand securing it’s fingers around the gem. A sudden spike of panic shot through him at the touch, but he muscled through. He needed to do this. Everyone would be safer if he was just human… and he would be happier, too…

He gripped the gem, finding his way underneath the hilt, and started to pull. It was harder than he expected: White made it look so easy two years ago… 

He felt the edge in him wiggle loose, and the cold stone began to slide out. He sobbed again, the pain shooting through him was too intense to think deeply about. Then, with a muffled  _ pop _ , it finally came out. 

Steven immediately felt all of his energy leave him as the force of his pull made the gem fly out of his hands and into the pond. His nails dug into his sides as he collapsed, hissing in pain through his grit teeth. He was dying-- he knew that-- but he couldn’t focus on that now. He was in too deep.

His bleary eyes focused on the warp pad, swirling in front of him, taunting him. Agonizingly, he reached out a hand and gripped the broken up tiles, dragging himself a foot forward. He heaved and reached out another hand, crawling slowly towards his safety. Inching, painfully, as his breath got shorter and his eyes got heavier. 

Eventually, he reached the edge of the warp. He smiled weakly as his fingertips touched the cool stone. 

_ Finally…  _

He was pulled away.

He gasped, adrenaline shooting through him as two hands grasped him, hoisting him up into-- 

He blinked, then squinted, vision clearing up.

\--Into his own arms.

Holding him was his gem, given form. He recognized him from two years ago, the only difference being he was older and wearing different clothes. Steven lifted a leg and weakly tried to kick his face, struggling to get out of his hold. “Lemme go..!”

“We must fuse.”

Steven glanced back at his pink self. He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t want to. Now  _ let me go _ .”

His gem’s eyes widened, and his hold went lax for a moment, allowing Steven to push himself out and onto the warp. He fell face first into the cold stone, and grunted as his teeth clacked together. “S- shoot.. Okay.. W-warp me to Rose’s fountain, warp…”

He saw two pink feet come into view, and was picked up again. He groaned in annoyance. “Stop it!”   
  
“We must fuse.” Pink him said again. Steven weakly smacked his face. “I already told you: no! Listen, if you don’t let me go, I’m going to _ die _ ! And I don’t wanna die!”   
  
The pink him said nothing in response. Then, immediately, they were warped into Steven’s house. The gems, seated on the couch and speaking, perked up, then recoiled in horror and confusion. Steven screamed out in surprise and warped them away to Rose’s Fountain, throwing himself out of pink him’s grasp.   
  
“What’s wrong with you!?” He snarled, tumbling to the ground. “They saw us!”   
  
“We need to fuse.”   
  
_ “IS THAT ALL YOU KNOW HOW TO SAY!?”  _ Steven shouted, frustration growing quickly.   


“No.”

Steven grit his teeth and pulled himself up before running towards the fountain, legs wobbling and burning with every thunderous, painful step he took. He cried out in anguish as he tripped and sprained his ankle, falling onto his side and knocking his head against the hard ground. “Ohhh…” He whimpered, only now feeling the coldness of his body and the slowness of his heart.   
  
He was picked up again. He snarled immediately and swatted at pink him. “LET ME GO ALREADY!”

“No.”

Steven panted, already too tired to swat again. _ He was running out of time, and this guy just wouldn’t let him go-- _

He froze.

“...”   
  
He smirked.

“ _ Okay _ , fine, I’ll fuse with you… but  _ only if _ you drop me into Rose’s Fountain first.”   


His gem processed the information, eyes glazing over for a moment before he snapped back to attention and nodded. He began sprinting to Rose’s Fountain, keeping Steven close. Steven heard his heart rate pick up as they got closer and closer.  _ Finally-- _

The warp sounded from behind them. Steven gasped and craned his neck over his gem’s shoulder. _The gems!_ _His dad! Connie!!!_

“Faster! Faster!” He cried out frantically.   
  
The gem sped up, whizzing by the wall, the bushes, the walkway, until they were finally there. Steven scrambled to reach Rose’s Fountain, but was held back by his gem. Steven looked down at him and then looked at the water, making the connection. 

“Uh- right! That’s-- okay, put me in!” He said.  
  
His gem lowered him into the water, keeping his hands on him and his head out. Steven shut his eyes and waited.  


“...”   
  
He looked up at his gem. “... Why isn't this working? Why aren't I dying?"   
  
His gem blinked at him before answering, processing his question again. “As long as you are with me, you will not die.”   
  
Steven paled and gripped his gem’s hands, tugging at them like they burned. “LET ME GO THEN!  _ LET ME GO!” _ _   
_   
“No. That would violate objective one and tw--”   
  
“I DON’T  _ CARE _ ! LET ME  **_GO_ ** _**!”** _

“Steven!?” Pearl cried out shrilly, voice thick with emotion. “Steven!? Where are you!? I hear you! We’re coming!”   
  
Steven panted, eyes darting from the entrance to his gem, to the water, to himself, to the entrance--   
  
He, with all of his strength, cried out and kicked himself free and dived into the water. His gem scrambled, hands grasping for Steven’s body which was sinking like a rock. Steven choked on the water, tried to breathe in, took in a lungful, then blacked out as everything went cold.

\---

When Steven opened his eyes, everything around him was a peachy colour, pink and orange stripes stretching on over the walls. The ground was smooth against his skin, and cool to the touch.   
  
He squinted and took this in, then rubbed his eyes to see it clearer. It took a few seconds, but he gasped as it clicked in his head: he knew this place! It was… his own mindscape. But why was he here? Was he dead already? Was he being revived? 

Suddenly, his vision split in half: one eye seeing the mindscape, the other seeing the outside world. He shrieked in surprise, stumbling back. His left vision- the one seeing the outside world- flickered black. He saw his vision dip down and a hand cover part of his face.

_ “Are you alright?”  _ Someone asked. Steven strained his ears. Pearl..? Or Connie?

_ “Steven has woken up.”  _ His own voice announced. Steven felt a chill run through his spine. What? Who was saying that? How is he speaking without speaking? Was he being  _ possessed!? _

_ “Is he okay?”  _ Someone else asked. Still, could be Connie or Pearl.

_ “... Yes, he is alive.” _

A collective sigh of relief passed through the group. His vision picked back up and was looking at Pearl. She looked like she had been crying.

_ “So, what now? Are you guys okay? Back to normal?”  _ Connie asked. His left vision looked over to her. Steven stood up in the mindscape, stumbling a bit. 

“Connie!? Connie, what’s going on? Am I dead?!” He shouted, voice reverberating.   
  
His left vision flickered again and his voice, not from him, warbled.  _ “We stay fused, we are both alive, and no, we are not back to normal.” _

“Hey! Hey! What’s going on!? Why can’t I talk!? Why am I stuck here?!”

The outside him groaned.  _ “Steven, if you continue fighting, you will make us unstable. Stop.”  _

“Us!? Who’s us!?” Steven yelled back.  


His voice began to answer, before getting cut off by Pearl.

_ “He’s fighting you? Really?” _

_ “Yes.” _

Pearl’s eyes dimmed in anguish as she held her stomach, clenching around it.  _ “...” _

_ “Is he saying anything?”  _ Amethyst asked.

Steven waited for himself to respond.

_ “Not right now.” _

_ “Was he saying anything before?” _

_ “Y-” _

_ “Guys, c’mon, we should get him back home.”  _ Greg said. A few agreed. Pearl shook her head.  _ “No, Greg, we need to stay here! What if he needs healing?"  
_

_ “He needs a hospital!”  _ Connie argued. _   
_ _   
_ _ “He’s not human!”  _ Greg objected.  


_ “He has a human  _ **_body_ ** _.”  _

As the conversation continued, Steven slowly felt the adrenaline of nearly dying fade from him and shame take its place.  


He failed.

He wasn’t a human.

And now things were gonna be even worse for him. Everybody was gonna worry, ‘cause they probably saw him floating in the fountain, and now they’re seeing him with his gem out-- unless-- Did he fuse back with himself?

Oh, oh,  _ no _ .  _ That’s _ who’s talking.  _ The gem. _

He groaned loudly, butterflies starting to form around him.  _ Seriously!? _ Did the gem tell them? Is that why Pearl was so sad?    
  
He buried his face in his hands, shutting his eyes. Even when he was trying to save people, he still hurt them. This must’ve felt like a ton of bricks for his family-- they probably thought he actually wanted to kill himself! They probably thought:  _ Oh, poor Steven, poor  _ **_kid_ ** _ , he's so hopeless that  _ _ he tried to **kill** himself. _

What a moron he was.

A selfish, stupid, horrible, moron.

_ “Steven, are you alright? You’re not looking too good…”  _ Amethyst said. Steven groaned. “Ugh, tell me about it.”

Wait.

He opened his eyes. The peachy mindscape was crumbling around him. There were massive chunks in the scape walls missing, revealing a black void that butterflies swarmed through, creating an even bigger hole. A swarm passed through one chunk and squeezed through another, causing a split from the hole that raced down the side and to the floor, more of the scape to fell away.    
  
Steven screamed and backed away from the falling scape, eyes wide. A swarm flew up from behind him. He screamed again, running from it and watching as his own mind collapsed. He gawked at the destruction, backing up until his foot slipped out from under him and he fell into the void. His right vision went dark, his left turned pure white.

He woke up, weaker, on the hard floorboards of his home. People were grabbing him and pulling him this way and that-- it made him feel sick until he was finally in his gem’s hands. He felt a wave of warmth rush through him and he sighed, looking up at the gem. 

“... Hey.”   
  
The gem did not respond. It looked past Steven to everyone else, who Steven only realized now were speaking to him. He focused on Pearl.

“Steven!? Steven, are you okay!? Oh, goodness, are you dying? Please don’t tell me you’re dying!” She asked frantically, her hands shooting in and out indecisively towards Steven. Steven gave her the best smile he could, which felt like he was pulling his cheeks up by strings.

“I’m fine.” 

Connie entered his vision. “No, you’re not, Steven!” She gently took hold of his face. “You’re not okay… The pink you told us everything--”   
  
Steven felt his blood go cold. Everything else she said was lost in the ringing of his ears, the thudding of his slow heartbeat drowning everyone out. He gripped pink him’s shirt, biting down on his lip as he struggled to hold back tears. They knew. Everyone knew. And now everyone was sad and it was  _ all his fault-- all he did was  _ **_hurt people--_ **

“Steven?” Connie whispered gently. Everyone else was quiet now and Steven snapped to attention. “H-huh?”   
  
“Steven.” Connie caressed his cheek. “I-it’s okay. We’re here for you.”   
  
“... I’m fine.” He croaked out.

Connie pressed her lips together, eyes shiny with tears. Her sorrowful, pitying, look shot right through Steven’s heart. “... Please, stop lying… You just tried to…”   
  
“...”   
  
She hugged him.    
  
Steven stared at her, not hugging back. He started to shake. “I’m fine, C-Connie. Nothing happened.”   
  
“Was it really you?” Amethyst whispered. Steven glanced over, another sad face that cracked his heart. “Did you really pull out your own gem?”   
  
Steven glanced up at pink him, then shook his head. “Uh, no. I didn’t.”   
  
“Then who did?” 

“... Um. A-an enemy… gem.”   
  
“What did she look like?”   
  
“... Uh- g-green and… blue. With… long hair?”   
  
Amethyst buried her head in her hands. Garnet patted her back. “... Steven, please stop lying to us.” Garnet urged. “You can tell us the truth, we won't shame you."   
  
“I--” He stammered, mind swirling around the decision of whether or not to tell them. He crossed his arms. There was _no way_ they'd leave him alone about it until he confessed.   


“Fine. I pulled out my gem. But I wasn’t going to kill myself, okay!? I’m-- I’m not  _ like that _ .”   


A few people opened their mouths to protest. Steven cut them off.

“I was trying to become human.”

Greg and Connie winced like that physically hurt them, Pearl gasped, and Amethyst and Garnet looked away in a mixture of horror and sorrow.

“What!?” Steven threw his arms out, their faces making him heat up with shame. “What’s so bad about that, huh!? What if I wanna be human-- being human’s great! Well, I mean, I’d be pink and like Lars, but that’s better than  _ this! _ ”   
  
“Steven…” Greg walked up. Steven only met his heartbroken eyes for a second before he tore his gaze away. He couldn’t look at his father like that. He felt his father’s hand on his shoulder and Steven struggled not to cry just at how gentle he was being.

“If you want to be human, I’m sure there’s a way, but… that wasn’t safe. You-- you could’ve  _ died _ , kiddo…”   
  
“I know.” He mumbled. “But only for a little bit.”   
  
Greg’s hand twitched. Steven whimpered. “... B-but, uh, that’s better than me actually wanting to die, right…?”

“...” Greg put a hand on Steven’s cheek, trying to get him to make eye contact. Steven shut his eyes tight. Greg sighed and let go. “... I don’t know, son. No matter what your end goal was, you still… you still risked your life.”

He backed off.

Steven wiped his eyes. “...” he looked up at everyone. They were so heartbroken-- 

_ Pity. They pity me. They’re thinking of how disgusting I am. That’s what they’re thinking. _

He scowled.   
  
“Stop looking at me like that.”   
  
“L-like what?” Pearl asked innocently.   
  
“Like THAT!” Steven growled. “I get it! I’m stupid! I-- augh-- you guys all think I’m awful, don’t you?”   
  
“What? No, Steven--”   
  
“Don’t lie to me! I don’t want your pity! I am FINE.”   
  
“No, you’re not!” Connie huffed. “You’re not fine!”   
  
“Can’t you just trust me on this!?”   
  
“No!”   


Steven recoiled. “... So I can’t be trusted with anything, is that it? Huh? I’m just some dumb kid who can’t even tell how he’s feeling? I KNOW how I’m FEELING, Connie! And I’m feeling FINE!”

Connie recoiled this time, eyes searching over him before she let out a slow breath. “... I’m sorry, Steven. You’re-- you’re hurting right now, I shouldn’t be--”   
  
“I’m not HURTING! Stop pitying me!” He shouted.   


“I don’t pity you--”   
  
“Yes, you do! How could you not?”   
  
“Steven.” Garnet spoke, walking up to him. “This isn’t an interrogation. Whatever is troubling you, we’re here to help you through it. Now, let’s all sit down, relax, and talk.”   
  
Steven grit his teeth. “It’s not that easy. I--” He cast a glance towards the warp, getting out of pink him’s grasp. “I don’t wanna be here right now.”   
  
“Steven, no!” Connie and Greg cried out at the same time. Steven tried to step on the warp, but was held back. He groaned and tried to tug his arm free of whoever was holding him, but it wouldn’t budge.    
  
“Guys, let me go! I-- uh--  _ I need some alone time right now _ .”   
  
“Uh, we’re not holding onto you.” Greg said. Steven looked back and saw that pink him had him in his grasp. Steven frowned. “Let go.”   
  
“No.”

“Why not?"   


“Letting you go would violate objective one and two.”   
  
Steven narrowed his eyes. “... Okay, fine, I’ll ask. What is objective one and two?”   
  
“Objective one: Keep ‘Steven’ alive. Objective two: Be fused with ‘Steven’.”   
  
Steven scrunched up his face in discomfort. “Well, uh, I don’t see how that’d violate those… I mean, we can fuse later, okay? Just let me go.”   
  
“If we stop touching, you will die immediately.”   
  
Steven paled. Connie, Pearl, and Amethyst gasped. Greg shot up. “WHAT!?”

Pink him turned to his dad. “If we stop touching, Steven will die immediately."

“... Are you sure?” Steven asked hesitantly.    
  
“Yes.”

Steven thought back to the time in White’s head. He had felt pretty weak until pink him picked him up…

“Wait, wait, then how am I still here? We weren’t touching when I went into the fountain.”

“I fused with you to keep you alive.”   
  
“Hm. Okay.” Steven said, and without thinking, took a step forward.

“Well, you can do that again.”   
  
He yanked his hand free and fell back onto the warp. Everyone’s screams were drowned out by the rapidly closing in darkness. He felt so col--   
  
His arm was grabbed by pink him.

Steven gasped for air, then coughed harshly. “Uh, oh no.” He gulped. “Uh.”  
  
“STEVEN!” Greg cried, on the floorboards with his hand on his heart. “YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME! DON’T _DO_ THAT!”

Connie was panting heavily, eyes filling with tears as she was held by a shaking Pearl. Amethyst was staring at him in horror, and Garnet was frozen in place. Steven looked away. 

_ Way to go, Steven. _

Pink him pulled him into his arms and held him close. Steven resisted the urge to push him away. If he had to remain in contact with this thing for a while, so be it.

“Sorry, guys. I, uh, thought I wouldn’t die immediately.” He mumbled.   
  
“HE LITERALLY SAID THAT YOU WOULD!!!” Greg yelled.  _ “STEVEN!” _

Steven winced. He’d never heard his dad yell before… oh, god, he was the  _ worst. _

Garnet stepped into the center, speaking to everyone. “Okay, everyone, calm down. Emotions are high, we need a break. Steven, fuse with your gem, then we can all sit down for a moment and collect ourselves.”

Steven sighed. He didn’t want to, but he needed to do what they said unless he wanted his dad to have another heart attack. He looked up at his gem.

“... Let’s fuse, then.”   
  
Pink him nodded, taking a few steps back and setting Steven on his feet. Steven wobbled a bit, leaning into pink him and catching his breath before they began to slowly spin. Just like last time.

They spun around, Steven getting dizzy quickly, before his gem scooped him up in his arms and hugged him, spinning even faster. Steven groaned and shut his eyes _. Just do it already.... _

He waited.

Nothing happened.

Pink him slowed down and looked at Steven, as if analyzing him.

“... Why didn’t it work?” Connie wondered aloud. 

“We were not in sync.” Pink him answered. 

Pearl frowned. “Why not? You two are literally  _ made  _ for eachother, you should be able to fuse easily!”

“In order to fuse: the two gems need to both be willing to fuse, and then get in sync. One or both qualifications hasn’t been met.”

“Is it because he’s a human right now?” Pearl asked, gasping slightly.

“No, no, that’s not it.” Steven reassured. “We can both fuse. Uh. I guess pink guy here just wants more time out of me, huh?” He chuckled weakly.

“That’s a lie.”

Steven glared at him, cheeks red. 

“Maybe you just need to try again?” Connie asked.

“Okay, sure.” Steven nodded. “Um, but, hey… you… can you not spin me? It made me dizzy.”   
  
“Yes, I can.”   
  
“Okay, let’s fuse.”

Pink him set him down and began to spin him again. Steven hissed. “Hey! Don’t spin me!”   
  
“Yes.” His gem said, stopping their dance and then holding both of Steven’s hands. “We will dance like this, then. Is this okay?”

Steven rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.”   
  
“...” His gem did not respond. 

“...” Steven groaned very loudly in annoyance.  _ “YES! _ This is FINE!”

Pink him nodded and began to do a waltz. Steven struggled to follow along, but got the steps right eventually. This continued on for a minute before his gem stopped.    
  
“Why’d you stop?” Steven asked.   
  
“We can’t fuse.”

“Why not?”   
  
“You don’t want to.”

Steven flushed. “Wh-- of course I do!”

His gem shook his head. “That’s a lie.”

Steven grit his teeth and hissed. “I  _ hate  _ you.”  


Garnet sighed. “Well, if Steven doesn’t want to fuse, we can’t make him… they’re just going to have to stay like this until later.”

“So what do we do now?” Pearl asked.

Garnet shrugged. “Somehow make Steven want to fuse again. But first, we all need to take a break and collect ourselves. This was a very emotional evening.”

“Can I go to my room? I wanna be alone right now.” Steven asked.

“Absolutely not!” Pearl scolded. “We need to keep watch over you!”   


Steven huffed, feeling his anger tick up. “I’m not a kid, Pearl, I can take care of myself.”   
  
Connie crossed her arms. “No offense, Steven, but you literally almost got yourself killed two minutes ago. We can’t risk that.”

Steven shrank back. His gem pulsed. “Fine. Whatever.” He got out of his gem’s hold, standing now but still holding his hand. He turned around and headed to the warp room, sitting down by the wall and hiding behind a crystal. His family watched him like hawks before finally all sitting down and relaxing, too.

Steven let his head fall back against the wall. Death would be better than this. He felt so  _ humiliated _ and  _ ashamed.  _ He was a total failure. He failed to help people, he failed to seem fine, he failed to be reborn…

He buried his head in his knees. He couldn’t even lie and say he was fine now. Maybe if his family hadn’t seen him literally almost dead twice in a row with his gem outside his body-- but there was  _ no way _ they’d believe everything was okay now. They found him. They knew that he was a pathetic, disgusting, fraud. He wasn’t their little angel, their perfect kid, who always knew what to do and had tons of friends--

He was an evil, worthless, Diamond hybrid who couldn’t do a single thing right except hurt everyone he loved.

He sniffled.

He was a  _ monster _ .

“Uh, what’s going on with your gem?” Amethyst asked. Steven wiped his eyes quickly and looked up. “What?” He looked to his gem, and recoiled. His gem’s form was disentending slowly, the energy bulging out his body and flowing around him like it was building up. It wasn’t as bad as his normal swelling, but was still very noticeable. His eyes flickered black and he grunted, holding his head. “Hnng…”    
  
“Are you okay?” Steven asked, squeezing his hand. His gem looked up at him.

“No.”   
  
“What’s wrong?”

“You--” He glitched, turning into just a silhouette before glitching back. “Your feelings… they are commanding me to change…” His arm erupted into a massive claw. Steven squeaked out in surprise. “Whoa! Whoa! Don’t do that!”   
  
His gem’s hand returned to normal and his gem sighed. 

“What about his feelings?” Amethyst called over, walking to them. 

“His feelings are--”   
  
“Don’t worry about it!” Steven said. “I think being unfused from me is having weird effects on him.”   
  
Amethyst glanced between them and nodded slowly, walking off. Steven sighed, looking at his gem, who was now mostly back to normal with only minor swelling.  _ Thank the stars. _ He thought.  _ Man, I can’t believe that even when we’re not fused, he freaks out whenever I feel something… _

“Steven.” Garnet called. Steven looked up. “Uh, yeah?”

“Come here.”

Steven got up and walked over, his gem in tow. Garnet looked to his gem.

“Steven’s gem: please make sure that Steven doesn’t escape your grasp again. We can’t allow you two to separate.”   
  
“Yes.”

“... Keep a close eye on him, too."   
  
“Yes.”   
  
“Good.” Garnet said. “Then, Steven, it’s late. Go upstairs and get some sleep. We’re staying down here.”

Steven resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  _ Oh, great. Now that I have a babysitter, I’m allowed to go up to my own room by myself. How benevolent of you, Garnet.  _ “Got it. Thank you.” He said, heading upstairs. He felt his family’s eyes on him as he left.

He entered his room and flopped down on the bed, burying his face in the sheets and groaning. He felt another weight beside him. He didn’t bother to look up-- he knew who it was. His stupid gem or whatever that apparently  _ had to be with him _ at  _ all times _ or else he’d make his family sad again. Great. 

He rolled over and looked up at the ceiling, head swimming.

He started to sweat, feeling the gems eyes on him.

“...”

“...”

He bit his lip.

“...”

“Fine!” He broke, glaring over at his gem. “What is it?”   
  
His gem blinked. “... I don’t understand the question.”   
  
“You’re staring at me.”

“...”   
  
“So you want something.” Steven elaborated.

“...”   
  
Steven facepalmed. “Do you need me to ask a question for you to respond?”   
  
“Yes.”

“Okay, fine, do you want anything from me?”   
  
“I want to fuse with you.”   
  
“Well, that’s not happening. Anything else?”   
  
“No.”   
  
“Great. Now stop staring at me, …” He trailed off. “... What’s your name? Do you even have one?”   
  
“I am a Pink Diamond.”

Steven gasped, flinching back. His gem flashed pink for a moment.  “W-what?” He stammered.  
  
“I am a Pink Diamond.”   
  
“You’re Pink Diamond??”   
  
“Yes.”   
  
“... N-no, that’s--” He shook his head, face paling. “You’re not my mom!”   
  
“Yes. I am not your mom.”   
  
“Wh-” He furrowed his brows. “... oooooohhhh.. You’re  **a** Pink Diamond… I get it… Well, I’m not calling you Pink Diamond… or Pink. Uh, you need a name if you’re gonna stick around…”   
  
_ Steven 2? No, that’s stupid. Gem Steven? Gemmy? Gem? PD? No, that sounded like PeeDee. Hm… Universe? Demayo? Quartz? Oh! Quartz is good… _

“How about Quartz?”   
  
“... I am not a Quartz.”   
  
“I know, but--”   
  
“I am a Pink Diamond.”   
  
“Okay. Whatever. Uh.” Steven huffed.  _ Let’s see… he could definitely use one of my middle names… Quartz, Universe, Cutie pie? Ugh, no. Demayo, Diamond… no. Universe… maybe a synonym? Galaxy… Cosmos-- _

He perked up.

“How about Cosmo? That’s a name! And it’s short.”

“I don’t care."   
  
Steven rolled his eyes. “Okay, whatever, sure. Your name is Cosmo now.”   
  
“Okay.”

“Are you always this boring?”   
  
“I don’t understand the--”   
  
“Question, yeah, I get it.” Steven finished, flopping back down on the bed and yawning. “I should probably sleep now…” He looked over to his closet. “... Hmm. Maybe you can be useful and get me my PJs.”   
  
“...”   
  
Steven groaned loudly. “Fine, I  _ guess  _ I have to phrase it into a command. Get me my PJs, please. But only if you want to.”   
  
Cosmo got up, stretching his arm so his hand still held Steven’s, and grabbed two random PJ pants, tossing them onto the bed.    


“Wh-- I meant a PJ shirt and PJ pants! Get me those!”

Cosmo grabbed another pair of pants and one shirt then tossed them onto the bed. Steven clamped his mouth shut to keep himself from screaming.  _ This guy was so annoying!!! _

“Okay… thank… you…” He struggled, then attempted to let go of Cosmo’s hand to undress himself. He tugged and then frowned. “Stop holding my hand.”   
  
Cosmo stretched his other hand and placed it on his back, then removed his hand from Steven’s. Steven shook his very warm and sweaty hand against the cool air. “Okay, now stop touching my back.”   
  
Cosmo put one hand on his thigh and then removed his hand from his back. Steven groaned. Not the best place, but  _ whatever _ . He took off his shirt and slid the other one on, then stood up and unzipped his jeans.

“...”

He looked back behind him, to where Cosmo was staring.

“Stop looking at me.”    
  
Cosmo shut his eyes.   
  
“Get your hand off my thigh. Can’t you leave me alone for one minute?”   
  
Cosmo re-positioned his hands. “No.”   
  
“I hate you.”   
  
He undressed and put on his PJs. “Finally, wow, that took  _ forever _ .” He sighed. 

Now that it was quiet and unfocused on any tasks, he heard voices wafting up from downstairs. He perked up and turned to the doorway, leaning around it and straining his ears to hear the conversation.

_ “I don’t know what to do.”  _ Pearl confessed.  _ “I knew something was wrong, I just never thought he’d… he’d try to commit--”  _ She gulped, shakily breathing out after. 

_ “Hey, it’s okay… He said he, um, he didn’t really want to die, right? So… it’s not as bad as it could be? He just wanted to be… human.”  _ Amethyst sighed.  _ “Oh, man, we really messed up, huh?” _

_ “But why would he want to be human?”  _ Connie asked. _   
_

_ “I don’t know.”  _ Pearl said.  _ “Maybe… maybe we’ve put too much pressure on him…"  
_

Cosmo leaned in next to Steven, against his back. Steven hissed and tried to shake him off. “Cosmo!” He whispered. “Get off me!” Cosmo shook his head and Steven groaned, struggling not to scream. Instead, he focused back on the conversation. He probably missed something thanks to this pink jerk.

_ “-- pital? Really?”  _ Pearl asked. “ _ Why would he be in the hospital?” _

_ “For his swelling and pink skin.”  _ Connie said.  _ “It was really hurting him.” _

Amethyst gasped.  _ “Do you think that’s why he took out his gem? Because it was hurting him?” _

_ “That makes no sense!”  _ Pearl argued.  _ “His gem hasn’t hurt him before! And-- and this pink thing has been going on for a while and he never mentioned it to us!” _

_ “Maybe he was hiding it from us.”  _ Greg said.  _ “Actually, no, he definitely was. The first thing he said after he unfused was that he was fine. He kept lying to us, I--”  _ He choked up.  _ “Where did we go wrong…?” _

_ “...What’s wrong  _ _with_ _ him?”  _ Amethyst wondered. 

_ “There’s nothing wrong with Steven, he’s just… hurting.”  _ Connie said.  _ “When we went to the hospital, my mom told him something really bad… Maybe whatever he found out there is messing with him? I-I don’t know. I just… I need a reason.” _

Steven stopped listening at that point. He stumbled back from the staircase, eyes filling with tears. He knew it. They thought he was crazy!  That’s why they wouldn’t allow him to be alone, why they talked down to him like a baby, why--

Cosmo held his hand.

_“LEAVE ME ALONE!”_ Steven snapped. Immediately he slapped his hand over his mouth. Shoot, they heard him.   
  
“Steven?!” Pearl called. “You okay?”   
  
“U-uh… yeah! Uh, it’s just-- Cosmo held my hand and it scared me… haha!”   
  
“Cosmo?”   
  
“I named the pink guy!”   
  
“Oh! Uh… okay, then!”

Steven waited for more. None came. Thank god. 

His hand was still in Cosmo’s grasp. Steven tried to yank his hand out, to no avail. He snarled at him and grabbed a fistful of his shirt. “This is all  _ your _ fault, y’know.” He whispered. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d be human by now. But, no, you couldn’t mind your business."  


Cosmo didn’t respond.

Steven fumed, rage pumping through his veins. He _never_ got this angry at anybody, but for some reason, he was _really_ irritable today. His mood was swinging from fine, to sad, to angry. And Cosmo was _real_ easy to get angry at. He opened his mouth to yell again, but cut himself off, casting a glance downstairs again. 

“... Come with me.” He ordered, marching out to the greenhouse walkway. Cosmo followed, illuminating the rainy path in a wash of pink. Steven scowled. Pink. What a horrible colour. 

They got to the greenhouse and Steven yanked him inside, slamming the doors shut behind him. Cosmo stumbled a bit.    
  
Steven took a moment to catch his breath. Everything took so much effort now. He was so  _ weak…  _ even just walking here… 

He looked back to the outside of the greenhouse. It was night, the stars were shining wonderfully from the cold, uncaring, void of space. His door was shut, and nobody seemed to be looking for him.  _ Thank the stars. _

He looked back at Cosmo, who was glancing around at the dome. He looked clueless,  _ innocent _ .

Liar. Fraud.

“Hey.”   
  
Cosmo looked back at him. Steven stood up, stumbling a bit. “... Don’t try to act all innocent,  _ you _ . You know why we’re here.”

Cosmo shook his head. “I don’t know that.”

“Oh, don’t try to act like this isn’t all your fault!” Steven jeered, shoving Cosmo back. Cosmo grunted, gripping Steven’s wrist and stumbling back into a table. Steven was pulled with him, knocking them together. Steven’s eyes flew wide in indignation. “You jerk! You’re pushing  _ me _ around, too!? Haven’t I been through ENOUGH!?”

He ripped his hand from Cosmo’s, as Cosmo placed his foot on him, and pushed him again. Cosmo fell back onto a table and then hissed in pain, falling off and landing on his knees. His head was bowed to the floor, and his hand were delicately placed on Steven’s shoe, keeping him alive.   


Steven stood over him, eyes welling up with tears. He kicked Cosmo’s chest, causing the gem to grunt in pain. “Well?! Aren’t you going to say something!?”   
  
“...”

_ “SAY SOMETHING, DARNIT!” _

“Something.”

Steven hissed through his teeth, eyes flying wide with rage. _**“YOU--”**_   
  
He screamed and grabbed Cosmo by the shirt, ripping him forward and slamming his knuckles into his face. Cosmo stumbled back and was immediately grabbed again, yanked face to face with Steven.   
  
“HOW DARE YOU!” Steven screamed. “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY!? _ HUH!?  _ YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY TO RUIN MY LIFE? TO MAKE EVERYONE I LOVE DISAPPEAR!?  **_TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY!?”_ ** **_  
_ **   
He punched him again, sending him into the shelf and knocking over some plants, their pots shattering on the ground. Steven wiped his eyes messily, knuckles raw. 

“You’re a jerk. You--” He shook, knees going weak. “You’re no better than me.”  
  
Cosmo didn’t respond. Steven grit his teeth and kicked him again, harder this time. “You aren’t even going to say anything? Not even ‘sorry’? Really? You don’t feel bad at all for this, do you!?”  
  
“I can’t feel.”  
  
“ _Oh,_ **_SHUT UP!”_**

Steven slammed his knee into Cosmo’s face. Cosmo grit his teeth and hissed, rubbing the bruise.   
  
“You felt that, though, huh?  _ YOU FELT THAT!” _

“...” Cosmo looked down.

“... Look at me. Look at me, you jerk.”   
  
Cosmo looked up at him. Steven grabbed him by the hair and hoisted him up with all his remaining strength, rage pumping through his veins. “ _ This _ is for everything you’ve put me through!”   
  
He raised his fist, shaking. Cosmo stared back at him, apprehension in his diamond eyes.

Steven breathed hard, fist shaking as he lined up the shot. His eyes made contact with Cosmo's, and suddenly he felt a chill go up his spine.   
  
Steven’s fist went limp. 

“Oh my stars.”

His arm dropped to his side as his eyes went wide.

“I’m doing it again.”   
  
He dropped Cosmo and fell to his knees, tears flowing freely from his eyes.

“I… I’m…” He choked, kneeling down to the cold floor, hunching up and gripping his hair. “ _ I’m just like her. _ ”

He felt Cosmo glitch out. He didn’t care. He sobbed harder, an anguished cry ripping from his throat as he slammed his fist down onto the ground, breaking skin and bleeding down his raw knuckles.   
  
“I can’t stop _hurting_ people... I can’t…”

It began to rain outside for the second time that day. It pattered against the glass dome, finding ways to slip in the cracks and dip down into the greenhouse. The greenhouse, with all of it’s plants dying or dead. The greenhouse, illuminated by the pink gem’s glow, casting shadows along the walls of a desperate, sobbing, boy. 

Cosmo watched as his counterpart sobbed on the ground, his onslaught done, his rage passed, now totally exhausted. Cosmo’s face hurt, and even though he couldn’t feel on his own, he knew very well that Steven was miserable. 

Steven felt a hand on his back. He tensed up, then sighed, accepting it. Right, they needed to touch.

Then he felt another hand on him.

Then, he felt a hug.

“What?” Steven rasped, looking up. 

Cosmo was kneeling down, eyes shut, holding him gently. Steven stared up at him for a moment, taking in everything that was happening. Why was he hugging him? He didn’t deserve that…

He slowly sat up, and Cosmo opened his eyes. Steven looked at him, and they finally made real eye contact.

“... Why are you doing this?” Steven asked quietly.  


“You are sad.” Cosmo responded.  


“... But… I hurt you.”   
  
“...”   
  
Steven sighed. “... Thank you.”   
  
Cosmo didn't respond. Steven waited for a moment before speaking again.   
  
“Y’know, when, um… someone says ‘thank you’, you say 'you’re welcome'.”

“...”   
  
“... Thank you, Cosmo.”   
  
“You’re welcome.”

Steven chuckled. 

He hugged him back.


	2. Diagnosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven goes to the doctor again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! IF YOU SHIP STEVENCEST, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!! I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT!!! Once again, this is not a ship fic! Yes, there are JOKES, but they're only jokes. Thank you :) 
> 
> also i dont know shit about hospitals lol just roll with it
> 
> okay time for tw// negative views of mental health, drowning imagery, suffocating imagery, (not real) bugs inside a person, suicidal thoughts,

Steven slowly opened his eyes to the comforting view of his bedroom, bathed in sunlight and under very warm sheets. He purred, nuzzling his pillow and curling up a bit more under the blankets. Cozy…   
  
He hugged his teddy bear tighter to his chest.   
  
…   
  
Wait.   
  
He squeezed his teddy bear again, then felt it’s fur. It’s fur… felt more like hair? And since when was the teddy bear hard--   
  
His eyes flew wide and he looked down. Sure enough, Cosmo’s head was in his chest, and his arms were wrapped around his waist. Steven shouted out and sat up, scrambling away from Cosmo the best he could, still tethered to him. He cringed. Had he cuddled him all night!? Creepy…

Oh, wait, they needed to stay in contact-- But why couldn’t Cosmo have just, like, placed his hand on his ankle or something and stood in the corner!? Did he have to get all  _ snuggly _ ?!

Steven sighed. Whatever. It happened, he just needed to get over it. 

Wait… If Cosmo had to sleep with him, then did that mean Cosmo would have to go other places with him, too?   


Steven paled.

_ Go to the bathroom with him? _ _   
_ _   
_ He shuddered greatly. Oh no, it was Peridot but worse. He definitely needed to fuse back with him sooner than later…

But… would it be better? Because if Cosmo was able to tell the gems what happened while they were fused… did that mean he saw  _ everything _ Steven did? All the time? Oh, no, was Cosmo secretly judging him his whole life?

He shook Cosmo. “Wake up, I need to ask you something.”   
  
Cosmo’s eyes snapped open. Ah, it seemed he was only pretending to sleep. Steven recoiled a bit at the sudden change. “Um. When we’re fused… do you see everything I see?”   
  
Cosmo sat up, thinking for a moment before responding. “... Yes. I do.”   
  
“Oh, stars.” Steven planted his hand on his face. “So you’ve seen literally every embarrassing thing I’ve done? You’re been secretly judging me this whole time?”

“Yes, I have. And no, I have not. I do not feel. I can not judge.”   


“Oh.” Steven hummed. “... What is it… like for you? When you’re fused with me?”   
  
“... Being fused with you is…” 

Cosmo thought again. It reminded Steven of a lagging computer. 

“When I am fused with you, I do not think. I am similar to one of your human organs: my only function being to detect chemicals and activate the appropriate response.”

“So… you’re basically just an organ given form?”   
  
“... In a way, yes.”

“Huh.” Steven nodded, propping his elbow up on his knee and putting his cheek in his hand. If he was gonna spend a while with his gem, he might as well learn all he can about it. “Soooo… are you in the mindscape when we’re fused?”

“No. I am not sentient when we are fused. I am mindless.”

“... Like an organ.” Steven concluded. “Right. Uh… did you ever, um…” He frowned. “Were you ever my mom?”   
  
“Yes, I was your mother once.”

Steven winced. “Do you… have any of her memories?”   
  
“Pink Diamond’s data was fully deleted two years ago.”

Steven furrowed his brows. “What???”   
  
“Pink Diamond’s data was fully deleted two years ago.”

Steven rolled his eyes. “When someone says ‘what’ they usually just want you to  _ elaborate on what you said,  _ Cosmo.”   
  
“...”   
  
Steven facepalmed. “Please, elaborate on that. I’m confused on what you mean by ‘Pink Diamonds data was deleted.’”

“Okay. When I was made, I was made with base characteristics befitting of a Diamond: a leader, determined, confident… as well as all my powers. That is data that will remain in the gem forever. When Pink Diamond formed and started to grow and change, she collected more data that made up her personality, her memories, her likes and dislikes. But when you were born, her data stopped collecting because she was gone and you were the new owner of her gem. So  _ your _ data started to be collected into me, pushing out her data and deleting it to make room. The final 1% of her was deleted when you were 15 years, 3 months, and 26 days old.”

Steven’s eyes widened. “W… wait… so does that mean that when I was a baby, I was her?”   
  
“You were not her, but if someone pulled me out when you were a baby, she would come out fully formed.”

Steven ran a hand through his hair. “That’s… crazy. Uh-- so… wait, wait, but you were you when you got pulled out when I was fourteen! Why wasn’t she there?”

“At the time, only 8% of your mother remained.”

“What was that 8%?”   
  
“Data. Specifically: memories.”   
  
“OH!” Steven gasped. “So  _ that’s _ why I kept getting her memories! It-- it’s because not all of her was gone yet! That… oh, wow, that explains so much.” He laid back, processing all this new information. 

“Yes, that is true.” Cosmo said. Steven glanced up at him. To think the person he was looking at used to be his mother… weird…

“Did it feel weird? Being erased?”   
  
“... I don’t understand the question.”   
  
“You used to be my mom. You had feelings and thoughts and stuff… but then I erased you.”

“I am  _ your _ data, Steven. Not your mothers. I have no feelings or memories attached to being her.”   


“Oh.” Steven hummed. “... Why did my mother have me?”   
  
“I do not know. Again, I have no feelings or memories of being her.”

Steven sighed. Well, darn.

“Steven?” Pearl called, reaching his room and knocking on the doorframe. Steven looked up. “Uh, yeah?”   
  
“Come downstairs, please, I’ve made breakfast.” She paused for a moment before smiling nervously. “It’s your favourite!~”

Steven felt his stomach churn at her pained smile. “Oh, that’s… great.” He smiled back, also pained. “I’ll be down in a sec, okay?”   
  
“Okay.” She said, leaving.

Steven laid his head back again, then slowly got out of bed. Cosmo held his hand. Steven tried to yank his hand away, but Cosmo’s grip was too strong. Steven huffed and accepted his fate, heading downstairs, hand in hand with Cosmo. Everyone was gathered at the table, with worried smiles on their faces. Steven could feel just how tense and sad they were.  _ Pity _ his brain supplied.  _ They’re worried you’re gonna try to kill yourself again, you jerk. You made them this way. _

Steven sat down, Cosmo standing beside him. Steven glanced up at him. “... You need a chair?”   
  
“No.”   
  
Steven rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Let go of my hand so I can eat.”   
  
Cosmo readjusting his hand. Steven grabbed his fork and looked down at his ‘favourite’. Waffles with whip cream and berries on it. A healthier Together Breakfast…

It would be nice, he supposed. 

He bit into a forkful and almost purred in delight at how amazing it tasted. But the corners of his mouth were really heavy today it seemed.

“Do you like it?” Pearl asked. Steven nodded. “‘S good. Thanks, Pearl.”   
  
Pearl seemed pleased at that.

Greg spoke. “... So… Schtu-ball… We were all talking last night… and we came up with a few action plans for the next while… wanna hear ‘em?”   
  
_ ‘We’ve finally figured out what to do with you, stupid, now listen up.’  _ His brain helpfully translated. Steven nodded. “Sure.”

“So… you’ve obviously been through a lot the past few days… and all these events, especially near death experiences, can have a real bad effect on your brain… So, we all think, and if it’s okay with you… that you could maybe start seeing a psychiatrist?”

Steven choked on his breakfast, eyes flying wide. Cosmo hit his back and Steven coughed. “WHAT!? No! Guys, guys, I-- I don’t need  _ therapy _ ! I’m fine!”  _ Did they think he was really that hopeless??? _

“You’re not fine, Steven!” Connie interjected. “Your gem is literally outside your body!”   


Steven narrowed his eyes. “Well, uh, that just means I’m not good physically. I’m fine mentally.”   
  
Connie leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms almost smugly. “Okay, then, if you’re not okay physically, then you should see my mom at the hospital.”

Steven paled. “Uh-- I wouldn’t want to trouble her--”   


“Doesn’t have to be my mom.”   
  
“I don’t wanna trouble  _ anyone… _ ”   
  
“They won’t be troubled. Their job is to help you. And, you said it yourself, you’re not doing good physically. So there’s no reason not to go to the doctor, right?”

“You could be dying, Steven.” Amethyst said. 

Steven sighed as he realized there was no way out of this. “Okay, fine. We’ll go to the doctor.”   
  
“Great!” Pearl said. “I’ll book the appointment right now!” She moved to the kitchen and picked up the phone. Steven resisted protesting and looked back at his food with slight distaste.

“You need to eat to live.” Cosmo reminded him. Steven glared at him. “Thanks, Cosmo.” He said sarcastically.

“You’re welcome.”

\----

Thankfully, Dr. Maheswaran had another cancellation that day. His whole family and Connie headed over there with him. Steven was sure it was to try and support him, but it just made things worse. People looked at him weird in the lobby-- well, they looked at Cosmo weird. Cosmo didn’t pay them any mind, though. Eventually, they were called through and stepped into Dr. Maheswaran’s office. 

“Hello, Ste--” Dr. Maheswaran paused as she saw Cosmo. “Um… Who’s this?”   
  
“This is my gem.” Steven said. “We got separated, so that’s why I’m here.” He lifted up his shirt to reveal his completely blank stomach. Dr. M’s eyes bugged out and she jolted back in surprise. 

“Oh my goodness! Wh--” She glanced between Cosmo and Steven. “I thoug-- wait, is-- okay.” She took a deep breath. “Is your gem being out… okay?”   
  
“No.” Connie answered for him. “If Steven’s gem is taken out, he dies. The only reason he’s alive right now is because he’s holding his gem’s hand.”   
  
Steven raised their hands to show her. Dr. Maheswaran stared. 

“... So… if he let go of that pink boy’s hand… he would die? Just like that?” She snapped her fingers for emphasis.   
  
“That’s the problem, yeah.” Connie said. “He could be dying right now, we don't really know…”

“This is an emergency!” Dr. Maheswaran shouted. “Oh my goodness, uh, hold on.” She picked up a phone and dialed something short before speaking into it. Steven winced back. An emergency, huh?

“Wait, is it really?” Connie asked. “I mean, he’s fine right now.”   
  
“Connie, if Steven is on the brink of death, then of course it’s an emergency.” Her mother hissed. “You said he could be dying right now!”   
  
Connie nodded. “I guess that is true… uh…” She looked over at Steven. “Sorry, Steven, I didn’t know.”   
  
“It’s okay.” He said. 

Dr. Maheswaran spoke a mix of medical jargon and normal speech into the phone. Steven understood that he was fatally wounded, that this was an emergency, and that he was going to be moved somewhere… an ICU? Steven didn’t like the sound of that…

She hung up and turned back to Steven. “Steven, how do you feel?”   
  
“I’m fine.” He answered. Dr. Maheswaran narrowed her eyes. “Steven, please, be specific.”   
  
“Um…” He bit his lip and cast a glance towards his family, who all looked mildly to moderately alarmed. 

“I’ve been feeling kinda weak the past few days, I guess… and I almost died a little bit ago… but I’m good now, seriously.”   
  
“You almost died? From your gem coming out?”   
  
“Y…es?” He answered. It wasn’t technically a lie…

Dr. Maheswaran nodded. “Have you been eating and sleeping regularly? Any problems there? A loss of appetite?”

“No, I’m good. Just feel tired more often.”   
  
Dr. Maheswaran ran a hand through her hair. “Hmmm…” Steven hoped she was thinking of calling off the ICU guys.

Two men came into the room with a table with wheels on it. Steven recognized it from most hospital shows. Oh no, was he gonna be carted away? That’d be so embarrassing…

“Where is the patient!?” One asked. Dr. M pointed to Steven. “Him. Make sure he and the pink one do not separate. If they do, he dies.”

They nodded and went for Steven. Cosmo yanked Steven back and into his arms, forming a dome around them. Steven squeaked and looked at Cosmo. “Wh???”   
  
The two men backed up, staring at the dome. Pearl paled. “Hey! Uh-- you! Drop the wall! They’re not a threat!”   
  
Cosmo ignored her, and all the others who were yelling at him. He just kept looking between Steven and the two men.

Steven eventually sighed and told him: “They’re safe, Cosmo. They aren’t gonna hurt us.”   
  
Cosmo nodded and dropped the dome, causing everyone who was pounding against it to stumble. The men came forward again and grabbed Steven, leading him to the stretcher. Steven sat down on it and Cosmo climbed up with him. The two men exchanged looks, then allowed it as they thought he wasn’t actively dying, then wheeled him to the ICU. The next while was a confusing blur to Steven. He was in the ICU, his vitals were being read: apparently his heart rate and reaction time was slow, but not so slow that they deemed him actively dying. Just…. Slow. They tried to check Cosmo, too, but he didn’t have vitals. Dr. Maheswaran had to explain gem stuff to them and they understood. Eventually, it ended with the conclusion that Steven needed to be on an ‘IOP’ ( _ whatever that means) _ to visit them everyday for a small while so they could check up on him. 

_ The next few days were gonna be hell. _

\----

Day One:

Steven went to the hospital with his family, who stayed in the lobby this time,  _ thank the stars _ , and they checked up on his vitals. Again, everything was just a bit slow. After that, apparently they were just gonna keep him there. At least, that’s how it seemed to Steven. He didn’t understand this medical junk. All he’d seen was TV shows… they were a lot more exciting than this.

Dr. Mahaeswaran came in and sat with him.

“So, Steven… can you explain a bit more about this… situation of yours?”   
  
Steven sighed. “This is my gem. I named him Cosmo. He’s kinda like an organ, but given form. Uh, if I let go of him, I’ll die immediately. So that’s why we’re always holding hands and stuff.”   
  
Dr. Maheswaran nodded and took down notes. Steven felt uncomfortable, and Cosmo glowed a bit brighter.

“Okay… Cosmo, how are you feeling?”

“I can't feel."   
  
Dr. Maheswaran furrowed her brows.   


“He’s not a person.” Steven huffed. “He can’t feel emotions, or pain… he doesn’t have a personality-- he’s some dumb organ that can talk for whatever reason.”   
  
Dr. Maheswaran blinked in bewilderment and glanced at Cosmo. Cosmo didn’t react. Dr. Maheswaran hummed and noted down more stuff. “Okay, then…” She clicked her pen shut. “So, Steven, how have you been since our last visit mentally? I know that what I said was a lot to take in…”

Steven shuddered, and Cosmo flared pink. “Um… I’ve been doing good. Everything’s fine.”   
  
Dr. Maheswaran clicked her pen again. “Y’know, whatever you tell me stays in this room. Doctor-Patient confidentiality prevents me from telling your family anything.”   
  
Steven perked up. “Really?”   
  
“Mhmm. Unless I believe you’re going to harm yourself or others, I can’t say anything.”   
  
Steven frowned. Oh.

“Well, then, uh, that’s good to know… but I’m fine.”

She asked a few more questions about his condition, about how he was doing physically, etc etc. Steven either half lied or deflected-- if she found out the real reason behind his attempt, then she’d probably have to tell his family everything. They’d been through enough.

\----

Day Two:

More check ups, more vital tests, more slow heartbeats.

Dr. Mahaeswaran came in again. She asked him more stuff about his physical health.

“Good... Has your swelling and growing gone down?” She asked, taking what seemed like the millionth note. Steven looked at her pen with disdain. What was she taking notes over? Writing about how messed up he was?   
  
Cosmo swelled a bit.   
  
“Yes.”   
  
Dr. M glanced at Cosmo. “... Did Cosmo just swell up?”   
  
Steven glanced to Cosmo, whose arm swelled a bit as soon as he looked. He hissed through his teeth. _ Seriously!??! _

“No. He didn’t.”   
  
Cosmo kept swelling and glowing. Dr. Maheswaran gave Steven a deadpan look. “...”

Steven facepalmed and buried his head in his hand, mild pain on his face. “... Okay, yeah, he’s swelling. But, I’m not, so…”   
  
“What do you think causes this swelling?” Dr. Maheswaran asked.

“Uh, I dunno. Whenever I feel stuff, he swells up.”

“Hm… Cosmo, do you know what’s causing this swelling?”   
  
“Cortisol.”   
  
She perked up. “So he’s stressed? And you’re reacting to that?”   
  
“Yes.”

“Hm.” She noted that down. Steven looked at him.  _ Tattle-tale… _

“Steven, am I doing anything to stress you out?” She asked. Steven shook his head. “No. You’re fine.”   
  
“Is it Cosmo, then?”   
  
“No.”   
  
“What is stressing you out?”   
  
_ “I don’t know.” _

“...” She thought for a moment. “... Steven, do you remember what we talked about last time you were here?”   
  
Steven cringed, and Cosmo flashed pink and swelled. “Um. Yeah? W-we talked about… my childhood?”   
  
“Yes. The possibility of you having childhood trauma that is causing your stress to increase.”   


Cosmo swelled again, making the table creak. Dr. Maheswaran gulped. “Um…”

“I’m sorry.” Steven mumbled. “I just-- I don’t really want to talk about that right now…?”   
  
“Steven, while you’re here we should figure this out… this could be serious, you know. Especially with your gem abilities.”

Steven sighed and nodded. He already knew he was dangerous...

“Have you ever considered that you might be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?”   
  
Steven felt his blood turn cold. “What?” He has no idea what that meant, but it sounded scary.   
  
“Don’t be alarmed! I’m not saying you have it, but I think we should test for it, just in case.”   
  
“W-why?”   
  
“Because if left unmedicated, then the symptoms might make things worse.”

“...” Steven gulped. “O-okay… how do I find out if I have the.. The uh- Post Traumatic.. Whatever?”   
  
Dr. Maheswaran got up and walked over to a filing cabinet, searching through it and then getting out a small packet. She handed it to Steven. “This test should determine that. Please answer all questions honestly.”

Steven nodded and took the packet and her pen, looking down at the questions as she went about her business.

**_Instructions:_ ** _ Below is a list of problems and complaints that people sometimes have in response to stressful life experiences. Please read each one carefully, and indicate how much you've been bothered by that problem  _ **_in the past month_ ** _. _

_ 1) Have you been experiencing repeated, disturbing, memories, thoughts or images of a stressful experience from the past? _

  * _Never_



  * _Rarely_


  * Sometimes


  * Often


  * Very often



Steven frowned. Had he? Maybe…

He circled Sometimes.  


_ 2) Do you feel very upset when reminded of a stressful experience from the past? _

Steven scowled. Why’d they have to ask that? That only made him think about those stressful experiences…

He circled Sometimes.

_ 3) Do you feel distant or cut off from other people? _

Cosmo flashed pink. Steven’s jaw set.

“...”   
  
He circled Never.

He didn’t want Post Traumatic whatever. He didn’t want trauma.

He didn’t have trauma.

******He was fine.**

_ Never _

_ Rarely _

_ Never _

_ Never _

_ Never _

_ Rarely _

_ Never _

_ Sometimes _

_ Never _

_ Rarely _

He handed the test back to Dr. M. She said that he didn’t have it.

Good.

He didn’t have it, then.

**He was fine.**

\----

He returned home that night and quickly went to bed, distancing himself from his family. He slipped into his PJs, with no help from Cosmo, and got under the covers. Cosmo tried to do the same, but Steven just ordered him to the corner of the room. He shut his eyes, and drifted off to sleep.

_ He woke up. Things were different. He was a kid again, in a body too small with a gem too big. His mother stood before him as a statue. He looked up at her-- what he’d been doing all his life-- and took a step forward. _

Her statue cracked open, splitting her down the middle and through her gem as she shattered to the ground. Butterflies burst out from her hollow statue and swarmed around Steven. They went into his mouth, his ears, his nose, they filled every part of him until he was suffocating. He was suffocating-- he was

_ Drowning. _

Under the water of his mother’s fountain, gem pulled out, breathing in water, he saw his mother watching over him with her apathetic gaze. Cosmo and his family stood by the fountain, faces swirling and unreadable under the water.

He choked and coughed, reaching up for them.  


Cosmo walked away. His family walked away, too. 

_ He sank further _

He reemerged, in Jasper’s body, gasping for air in the tub and looking down at himself-- a pathetic hybrid. A murderer. A  _ monster _ .

That boy turned pink and swelled up bigger, malice and murder in his eyes as he stared her down. He, in Jasper’s body, whimpered and covered his face, his gem,  _ her _ gem. But it was too late. He felt the pink shields clasp around him--

_ He felt White Diamond’s hand clasp around him-- _

He was lifted up.  _ He didn’t like this. _ He was lifted up.  _ Too bad.  _ She plucked out his gem just like he did, and it only pounded in deeper that he was no different than her, that he was a Diamond, that he could never be anything else. White Diamond held his gem in her hands and unlike last time, he wished she would keep it. Nobody was holding him this time. And why should they? He didn’t deserve it.

Cosmo didn’t form. White Diamond just held it, as everyone in her head turned to stone. Steven was left on the white ground, choking, heaving, inching forward just like to his gem, to the warp pad.

He was too weak. But he was too strong. 

He was strong enough to kill, but weak enough to let a few  _ stupid  _ things get to him.

_ He should’ve died in that fountain. _

He shot up out of bed, panting, water-  _ sweat _ covering his brow.

He gripped the sheets, shaking terribly. His eyes were out of focus, but saw a blurry bright pink light beside him. He cautiously looked to the left.

Cosmo was holding him again.

“...”   
  
He felt his tears begin to fall as he bowed his head down, sobbing quietly as rain pounded outside. 

Cosmo held him tighter.

\----

Day Three:

More of the same.

Dr. Mahaeswaran entered.

“Hello, Steven.”   
  
“I lied on the test.”   
  
Dr. Maheswaran blinked. “What?” 

“The Post Trauma thing you gave me? I lied on it. I’m sorry.”   
  
“Oh.” She said. “I’ll get you another one. Thank you for being honest, Steven.”   
  
She handed it to him.

_ 1) Have you been experiencing repeated, disturbing memories, thoughts or images of a stressful experience from the past? _

_ Very often. _

_ 2) Do you feel very upset when reminded of a stressful experience from the past? _

_ Very often. _

_ 3) Do you feel distant or cut off from other people? _

_ Very often. _

_ Sometimes _

_ Often _

_ Very often _

_ Sometimes _

_ Very often _

_ Often _

_ Sometimes _

_ Very often _

_ Often _

_ Very often _

He handed the test back to Dr. Maheswaran.  


She analyzed it. 

She gave him another test.

He answered that one, too.

Turned out, he didn’t only have PTSD, he had C-PTSD because of his repeatedly traumatic past.

Apparently, he also had Depression.

And Anxiety.

So his brain was three times as broken as before.

**_Great._ **

“So…” He said, after her long winded explanations of what that all meant. “How do I fix it?”   
  
“Fix it?”   
  
“Yeah. When does it go away?” He asked.

“... Oh, Steven.” She frowned, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “It doesn’t. There is no way to ‘fix’ this. All we can do is get you some help and medication that will lessen the symptoms.

Steven stared at her.

“... So… I- I’m gonna have this forever?”   
  
“Yes.”

_ He should’ve died in that fountain. _

Cosmo swelled up massively, making the table creak. Steven winced and looked over at him.

“...”   
  
“Wait.” He said. “Maybe it’s different for me! ‘C-cause I’m only half human?”   
  
Dr. Maheswaran didn’t look convinced. “Um. Well… I suppose  _ maybe _ it’s different, but this is a very human issue, Steven… your brain is pretty much all human.”

Steven winced, then shook his head. “No, no, you-- there is a way. There  _ has  _ to be.”   
  
“Steven…” Dr. Maheswaran said, rubbing her hand on his shoulder comfortingly. “I know this is scary, and the rest of your life seems like a  _ long _ time… But I promise, things will get better… with the proper treatment. And your family is going to be with you every step of the way, I’m sure.”   
  
She held his hand.   
  
“It’s going to be okay.”   
  
Steven felt his eyes well up with tears. He scoffed, ducking down his face. He didn’t want to cry. Not now.   
  
Dr. Maheswaran gave him that pitying look he hated so much and rubbed his back.

“It’s going to be okay…”

Steven yanked his hand away from hers and curled up more. “Stop saying that… It’s  _ not _ going to be okay-- I’m gonna have this forever…”   
  
“It will be okay, Steven. There are many people who go through this same thing. They get sad, they get scared… and they’re right to. Because this can seem very scary… but y’know what?”   
  
She kneeled down, picking up his teary face with a motherly touch.

“They all turned out okay. And you will, too.”

Steven almost believed her.

“Would you like some time alone?” She asked.

“Yes, please.” He croaked out. She nodded and stood up, patting his back. “I’m gonna go tell your family, okay?”   
  
“W-what?” He sniffled. “No…”   
  
She hummed. “Why not?”   
  
“I don’t want them to worry…”

“Well, your father needs to know at least so he can help you get your medication. Is that alright?”   
  
“... Will the medication really help?” He asked.

“Yes.”   
  
“Okay, then. But, please… don’t let anyone else know. Especially not Connie.”   
  
Dr. Maheswaran furrowed her brows, but nodded. “Okay, I won’t.”    


She put a hand on the door handle, pausing. “... But I’m sure Connie would support you, no matter what. She really likes you, Steven.”   
  
She left.

Steven sobbed, burying his head in his hands.

He was officially messed up.

It felt… so horrible to finally have it confirmed. But, at the same time, he felt relieved.  _ Finally,  _ there was a reason why everything was so damn hard-- why he was so weird and unstable nowadays.

Didn’t mean he wanted any part of it.

And now his family’s gonna know. He knew his Dad was gonna spill the moment he figured it out. The gems will know, they’ll think he’s weak. Connie will know, and she’ll be freaked out. Why would a perfect, amazing,  _ kind _ girl like her ever wanna be around a violent, broken, _jerk_ like him?  


There was a knocking on the doorframe. He looked up and saw Dr. Maheswaran. She was sad again. That was the only face he saw nowadays.

“Your family is waiting for you, but take as long as you need in here.”

She shut the door.

Steven sighed and laid down on the table, feet on Cosmo’s lap. Cosmo held his ankles. Steven didn’t care enough right now to tell him to stop.

He shut his eyes, letting the last of his sadness seep down and out of him, pooling to the floor and vanishing. But more sadness still remained. It felt instead like the room was filling up with it, suffocating him. Suffocating… like  _ drowning-- _

He shuddered. 

Another trauma for the list, he guessed. And this one he caused. 

Cosmo placed a hand on his chest. Steven jolted and looked up at Cosmo, who was trying to climb on top of him. He yelped and pushed him back. “What’re you doing?”   
  
“Trying to hug you.”   
  
Steven groaned and hopped off the table, Cosmo’s hand on his shoulder. “I don’t need a hug every time I’m sad, Cosmo. Leave me alone.”   
  
“No.”   
  
“I really fucking hate you.”

He wiped his eyes and walked out of the room, Cosmo in tow. When he got to the lobby, he was greeted with more sad faces. Greg’s seemed the saddest. The rest were more worried. Steven wondered if his dad told them.

“Hey, Schtu-ball…!” Greg greeted, trying and failing to appear chipper. He opened his arms. “C’mere.”   
  
Steven walked into his dad’s open arms and hugged him close. He needed this, anyways. His dad held him with so much love Steven thought he might cry again. 

He felt Cosmo hug them, too. Steven groaned. Of course.

And soon it was a big group hug. Steven immediately wormed his way out of it, wiping his eyes again before anyone could see the tears. “So… um… what did Dr. Maheswaran tell you guys?”   
  
Pearl answered: “She told us your vitals are stable, even if they are slow… and that you don’t have to visit anymore. However, if there is a sudden change, we need to get here immediately as it could be an emergency.”

Steven nodded. “Okay… cool.” He looked up at his dad. Greg looked back down at him and gave him a knowing look. Steven sighed and looked down again. 

Then, they went home. It was a long, silent, drive. Steven looked out the window, thumbing Cosmo’s knuckles to get out his anxiety. Along the way, he thought about how weird everything was. One day, he was successfully running a school and happy, the next he’s on the brink of dying and diagnosed with broken brain syndrome or whatever. And he’s got living proof of his failure right beside him.

When they arrived home, Greg asked Steven to talk upstairs with him privately. Steven knew what was coming, and just nodded. Greg announced to the rest that they’d be going upstairs to talk and that they don’t wanna be disturbed, then went up. All three of them sat on the bed before Steven ordered Cosmo off. Greg looked a bit disturbed at that for some reason before looking back at Steven.

“So… Dr. Maheswaran told me everything…”   
  
“I know.” He sighed. 

Greg nodded, holding Steven’s hand. “And I just want to let you know that I’m gonna be here with you every step of the way, buddy, okay? And if the rest knew, they’d feel the same way. We’re gonna try and get your meds as soon as possible, and- um… get you help.” 

He opened his arms again.

“I love you, Schtu-ball.”   
  
Steven didn’t hug him back. It’s not that he didn’t want to, it was just he was so  _ tired… _

Greg frowned and bit his lip. “... It’ll be alright, buddy. I know it will.”   
  
“Yeah, dad.” Steven said. “...” He bowed his head. Stupid tears…   
  
His dad pat his back. “You okay?”   
  
“Yeah.” He said, voice cracking. “Please, I… I need to be alone r-right now…”   
  
His dad nodded and kissed his head before leaving. Once he heard his dad’s footsteps disappear, he buried his face in his pillow and began to cry. Oh, how he wished he had a door. Then he could cry and nobody would know… He shouldn’t even be crying-- what was this, the third time today!? Was this the depression getting him? Was he just gonna cry forever now? Was this his new normal? Feeling like crap and crying all the time?

_ He should’ve died in that fountain. _

Cosmo held him. Steven snapped and smacked Cosmo’s face, snarling wickedly at him. Cosmo blinked, staring at Steven. Steven panted. “... You scared me. I... Sorry.” He apologized genuinely, feeling a little guilt at smacking him.  


He looked down at Cosmo’s arms. “... Y’know, you shouldn’t hug people unless they  ask .”   
  
Cosmo let go, but kept one hand on Steven’s shoulder. Steven huffed. Stupid Cosmo, stupid piece of crap Cosmo. Why was he even here? Just to annoy him? Was this, like, an extra punishment from the universe? It wasn’t enough that he had PT-Whatever, made his family sad, and was miserable? He had to deal with this guy, too?

He buried his head in his hands. If only there were some way to fix himself… then he wouldn’t need medication…

_ When I am fused with you, I do not think. I am similar to one of your human organs: my only function being to detect chemicals and activate the appropriate response. _

_ So… you’re basically just an organ given form? _ _   
_ _   
_ _... In a way, yes. _

Steven’s eyes blew wide.

“Cosmo.” He said, looking at the pink boy. Cosmo looked back at him. “You control my emotions, right? When I freak out, you activate my powers?”   
  
“... No. Yes.”

“Wh-” Steven huffed and rephrased:  _ “When I freak out, you activate my powers, right?” _

“Yes.”

“So YOU’RE the reason I have all this stuff! I knew it!” He shouted. “You’re the reason I go pink, right?”

Cosmo blinked. “... I don’t understand the question.”   
  
Steven started buzzing with rage. Cosmo glowed. Steven pointed. “A-hA! RIGHT THERE! I’M MAD, AND YOU’RE GLOWING! WHEN WE’RE FUSED AND I’M MAD, YOU MAKE MY SKIN TURN PINK, RIGHT!?”

“Yes.”

“Steven???” Pearl called from downstairs. “Are you alright?”   
  
Steven paled. Oh no. “Uh- yeah! Just asking Cosmo some questions! I figure, uh, if he’s gonna be around I might as well know how he works!”   
  
“Um, okay! Just call us if you need anything, okay?”   
  
“Got it!”   
  
Steven glared at Cosmo and grabbed his wrist, pulling him to the doors and leading him to the greenhouse. The walkway had dried now, and the sun was nearing setting, casting hot purples, pinks, and reds across the sky. The stars were just coming out.

Steven shut the doors to the greenhouse. Cosmo stood inside, away from the desk where the plants still lay on the ground. Steven looked down at the shattered pots and winced, a pang of guilt hitting him. He really should take better care of his plants…

He shook his head. No time for that.    
  
“Okay, Cosmo. You control what powers happen when, right?”   
  
Cosmo nodded. “Yes.”   
  
“So… why do you make me turn pink? You know it does more harm than good-- and you  _ know  _ there isn’t actually anything dangerous!”   
  
“... I don’t understand the--”   
  
“Shut up. Yes you do. You have to. How can I be clearer?”   
  
“You could explain yourself more thoroughly--”   
  
“You’re just doing this to tick me off at this point, aren’t you? You still think this is funny.” Steven huffed, dragging a hand along his face. “Seriously, Cosmo, you’re the worst.”

“...”

“... Fine.” Steven sighed curtly. “Why do you activate the stress response that makes my skin appear pink?”   


“Because I receive cortisol.”

Steven waited for more.

There was none.

“Elaborate!” He commanded.   
  
“Your brain sends me cortisol, I respond to it by activating the stress response. That stress response keeps you alive, which satisfies objective one.”

“But,  _ Cosmo _ , you’re overreacting! See, nothing’s going to hurt me anymore. Spinel is done with, all the Diamonds are peaceful,  _ nothing will try and harm me _ . And, even if it does, you activate my pink power at the worst times! Why did it activate when I was at the doctor’s before? I was only  _ mildly  _ stressed!”   
  
“... I activated it because I received cortisol.”   
  
“YOU CAN’T JUST TRUST THE CORTISOL, COSMO!” Steven countered. “If I was sitting down, perfectly safe, in my house, and you suddenly got cortisol, would you activate the response?”   
  
“Yes.”   
  
“Wh- uh--” Steven groaned. “I can’t believe it. I don’t really have trauma, it’s all you! You’re the one making the stress stuff and making me sad! It’s  _ you! _ ”    
  
He sank down to the ground, tangling his hands in his hair. “I was right to pull you out…”

It was silent.

Steven sighed. He hated that silence. Why couldn’t Cosmo talk like a normal person?

…

He wasn’t a normal person.

He wasn’t a person at all.

…

He looked up.

“Cosmo, I want to fuse with you, I really do, but I need you to promise me something before we do that. Okay?”   
  
Cosmo furrowed his brows and frowned, face scrunching. “Uhhhhhhhhh…”

Steven tilted his head. “... You okay?”   
  
Cosmo’s face scrunched more. “Uhhhhh… I… don’t… understand…”

Steven sighed. “Why not?”   
  
“You are asking me a complex question.”

“Complex? What was complex about it?”

“I do not understand your first question at all, and I also do not understand what ‘okay’ means.”   
  
“Okay means, like… uh… doing good?”   
  
“I don’t understand…”   
  
“Okay means you aren’t in pain.”   
  
“I am not okay.”

Steven frowned. “Okay, then, um… forget what I asked you earlier.”   
  
Cosmo’s face relaxed. Steven sighed. “Let me try this again. I’ll make it simpler for you: when we fuse back together, whenever you receive cortisol, I want you to not activate my stress response. Will you do that for me?”   
  
“No.”   
  
Steven’s rage bubbled in him, but he was so tired it didn’t force him to move.  _ “Why not?” _ _   
_   
“Because it would violate objective one.”   
  
“How!? How would that kill me? Huh?”   
  
“If I ignored one of my main functions, everything else would fail, too. I would most likely mistake cortisol for something else, or vice versa. Eventually, it would disrupt the harmony in your body and shut down other organs. Then, you would die.”   
  
“Just use some critical thinking skills and decide when to activate and when to not, _idiot_.”   
  
“I can’t do that. I do not think when we are fused. I do not have opinions, or feelings, or judgement. I receive, I activate. It is out of my control how much I receive.”

“W-wait, what was that last part?”   
  
“It is out of my control how much I receive.”

“... Elaborate?”   
  
“Your brain produces cortisol, I do not.”   
  
“Wait, so,” Steven gulped. “It’s my  _ brain's _ fault, then…? I-It’s the one producing the stuff?”   
  
“Yes.”

“... L-liar.” Steven stuttered, getting up. “You’re lying to me.”   
  
“I’m not.”   
  
“You are! Eve- even if it was my brain doing all this, that doesn’t mean-- that--” He panted harder, a panic attack setting in. “Oh, god. What- what’s happening?”   
  
“Your brain is producing cortisol.” Cosmo replied, glowing now. Steven stared at him, then unfocused his vision. No, no… no…

“Cosmo, shut it off.”   
  
“I can’t.”   
  
“TRY!” He yelled. A small crack formed under Cosmo’s feet. Steven stumbled back. “Did you do that?”   
  
“You activated me to activate our power.  _ You  _ did that.”

“Don’t get smart with me.” He hissed, pushing him. “You-- you-- you’re doing all this. I know it’s you. It’s your fault. I would be fine if it wasn’t for you! I know I would be!”   
  
“...”   
  
“Speak!”   
  
“Hi.”   
  
Steven snarled and stomped on Cosmo’s foot. Cosmo hissed in pain. Steven narrowed his eyes. “Why won’t you do it, huh? Do you hate me that much? You won’t shut off my pink power? Even though it’s what made me do this in the first place!?”   
  
“...”   
  
“...” Steven felt his rage simmer away. He was too tired… He was always too tired…

Was it him being separated or was it depression?

He didn’t know.

He sank to the ground and curled up. “... This can’t be my fault… this can’t--”   
  
He hiccuped, sniffling.   
  
“I can’t do this… I can’t have this… Please, Cosmo… Take it away…”

He grabbed onto Cosmo’s ankles and looked up at him, begging. “Take it away… stop it… please… I don’t want this…”   
  
Cosmo kneeled down and examined him. “What do I take away?”   
  
“My- my trauma. My sadness. You can do that, right? You help with emotions…”   
  
“...”   
  
Cosmo hugged him again. Steven huffed, but didn’t struggle. “Why’re you doing this again..?”   
  
“If I hug you, your ‘sadness’ lessens.”   
  
“...”   
  
Steven hugged him back. “Okay, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYYYY THANKS FOR THE COMMENTS!!! Keep 'em coming i need more p o w e r 
> 
> but in all seriousness thanks guys! You're what motivate me to keep writing!


	3. Homeworld Daze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven goes to Homeworld to try and fix his problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// talk about suicide, negative views of mental illness,

Steven and Cosmo went back to his bedroom after a few minutes, Cosmo carrying him. Steven was exhausted after the day's events, but he couldn’t seem to get to sleep. His thoughts kept him up for a few hours. He was just swimming in this new information. His trauma was  _ his _ fault. Well, not his, his brains. But still, it wasn’t Cosmo’s. He couldn’t just ask Cosmo to get rid of his trauma, apparently, because Cosmo had no part in it.

Steven wished he did, just so he had a good reason to resent Cosmo so much.  _ Why  _ did he hate him so much?

_ Because he’s living proof of your failure, Steven. The gems can’t forget for a second what you did because he’s always  _ **_there._ **

Steven sighed. Right.

Eventually, he fell asleep and morning came around. Cosmo was by his side once again, curled up to him. Steven wondered if maybe Cosmo doing that was what kept him alive through the night. He banished the thought from his mind and just rested his hand on Cosmo’s head, the pink curls wrapping around his fingers lazily. Cosmo looked up at him. Steven looked down and removed his hand. Seeing his own face… was weird.

Steven could hear someone coming up stairs. From the light footfalls, he guessed Pearl. For a moment, he thought about just pretending to be asleep, but his hungry stomach decided against it. He sat up and greeted her. She smiled. “Hello, Steven! I made breakfast again. Come downstairs soon, please.”

“Okay.” He said. Pearl went downstairs. Steven took a few moments to stretch out before getting out of bed and following her, Cosmo in tow. It was his favourite again; and, again, it was great. Didn’t make him smile, though.

“Did you sleep well?” Pearl asked him as she sat down at the table where everyone else was eating. Steven shrugged. “I didn’t dream.”   
  
“Ah.” Pearl said. “...”   
  
“Have you had any luck fusing back together, dude?” Amethyst asked.

“Um. We haven’t really tried… But I don’t think it’ll work. I dunno.” Steven shrugged again.

“Well, maybe you should try again today.”   
  
“Sure.” He took a sip of his water, feeling unease rest in his stomach. They expected him to be okay just like that?

No, no, they were right. He was taking too long. He should be over this by now. He should be able to fuse.

“He can try after breakfast.” Garnet said to Amethyst. Steven huffed, a little ticked that people were speaking for him now. He could voice his  _ own _ opinions...

After breakfast Steven got up and moved to the temple part of the house with Cosmo for more dancing room. Cosmo picked him up and began to spin, but that quickly became nauseating so they tried a different kind of dance instead. A slower one. Slow dancing with himself made him feel gross so they couldn’t fuse. They then tried dancing separately (as separate as they could manage) then coming together at the last second.

Nothing was working.

“Darn...” Amethyst sighed. “That sucks...”   
  
“Be nice, Amethyst.” Pearl hissed. “Steven, it’s fine. We don’t expect you to fuse immediately. And you don’t have to. As long as you’re safe and alive, we’re happy.”   
  
What a low bar he set for them.

“Maybe there’s some way to just, I dunno, mash ‘em together? Like without the whole dance?” Amethyst suggested.   
  
“That’s an idea...” Pearl said.

“We could go to the Diamonds.” Garnet offered.

“What!?” Amethyst shouted. “Why???”   
  
“They’re much more powerful than us. They might know what to do.” Garnet explained. “And Steven has a Diamond, too. They might know something about him and Cosmo that we don’t.”   


Cosmo glowed brighter. Steven rubbed his arm uncomfortably. “Do we have to...?”   
  
“No, we don’t have to.” Greg said, patting his back.

“But, Greg, we need to put them back together! Even the slightest mistake could get Steven killed, you know that.” Pearl said. Greg set his jaw. “I  _ know _ , Pearl, but if he doesn’t want to go--”   
  
“I’ll go.” Steven said, pushing past them to go upstairs. “Let me get changed, okay?”   
  
He heard some voices from downstairs as he went to his room. They were tuned out. He got dressed in a muddled red sweatshirt and his regular blue jeans. Cosmo’s pink was  _ enough  _ for him.

Everyone, even his dad, which Steven was sure was just out of pity, warped off to Homeworld. They spent a few minutes looking around in awe at the new design. Steven didn’t really care, he’d seen it all about a week ago. 

“Can we get moving?” He grumbled. The group snapped to attention and agreed, heading up to the main Diamond building. Gems were roaming around, just like last time, and also just like last time: Spinel was in the foyer. She looked over and gasped, running over excitedly.    
  
“Steven? Pearl? Amethyst? Garnet?? Other people!? Wow!!! What brings  _ all  _ of you here?”   
  
Pearl frowned. “Well--”   
  
“And who’s THIS!?” Spinel grinned at Cosmo.

Steven’s nerves shot up. “Uh- That’s--”   
  
“Nice to meet ‘ya, new buddy!” Spinel greeted, grabbing Cosmo around the waist and hoisting him up into a hug, Steven’s hand slipping quickly.    
  
_“SPINEL! PUT HIM DOWN!”_

His shout echoed across the foyer, making everyone look at him. Spinel stared at Steven, whose face was quickly becoming red with embarrassment. She slowly set him down and Cosmo rushed to Steven, grabbing his arm protectively. 

“Yeesh, Steven, possessive much?” Spinel gibed. Steven glanced around at everyone who was staring at them. A few looked away. He whimpered, embarrassment coiling in his gut. He sighed curtly and whispered: “Spinel, please. Don't separate us. He's uh- he's kinda keeping me alive right now..."   
  
_“WHAT!?”_ Spinel shouted. Everyone turned to look again. 

Steven facepalmed. “Spinel! Shut up! People are  _ looking _ !”   
  
“What does that matter!?" She exclaimed, circling around him and looking for injuries. "Are you, like, dying right now? Why can’t you let go of the pink guy’s hand?”   
  
“The pink guy is his gem, Spinel.” Pearl said. Steven clamped down on his lip so he didn’t scream. Spinel looked back at Steven and lifted up his shirt. “Oh!” She gasped in horror. “Who-- who did that to you?”   
  
Steven blushed. “N-nobody! It doesn’t matter, let’s just--”   
  
“Boy, If I ever find the loser who did that, I’ll clobber ‘em!” Spinel quipped, putting up enlarged cartoony fists. “She won’t know what hit ‘er!”   
  
“Spinel--”   
  
“Steven, tell me who did this! I’ll make ‘er pay!”   
  
“Spinel!--”   
  
“I promise you that! I will! Why I oughta...” She made a bunch of cartoon sound effects and swirled her fists around.    
_  
“It was me, **OKAY!?”**_ Steven yelled, denting the floor beneath Cosmo. “I don’t have  _ TIME  _ for this!  _**Move** it, Spinel!” _ _   
_   
He shoved past her and stomped towards the hallway, gripping Cosmo’s hand like a vice. He could just  _ feel _ Spinel’s stare and it  _ sucked _ . Everyone else was probably staring at his little outburst, too.  _ Outburst? More like a tantrum, you baby. _

Greg rested a hand on his shoulder, apparently having caught up to him. “Steven, buddy, I know you’re going through a tough time right now but that’s not an appropriate way to speak to people.”   
  
“I know.” He said through gritted teeth. What did it matter, anyways?

“...” His dad sighed. “Okay.” He let his hand fall. Guilt swelled in Steven’s gut, but rage pushed it down. He growled under his breath and picked up the pace to the Diamond’s rooms.

“Where are we going?” Amethyst asked.

“To the Diamonds, duh.” Steven said. “You said that they could help me. So, y’know.”   
  
“How do you know where they are in this place? It’s brand new.”   
  
“I went here after sh--”   
  
He flinched.

“... A- after, uh, I said... bye to you guys and Jasper.” His walk slowed.

“Oh...” Amethyst frowned. “... Do you need to talk about i--”   
  
“NO.” Steven said; harsher than he would’ve liked. Amethyst flinched back. Steven frowned. His guilt came up this time.

“Are we here?” Connie asked. Steven looked up. They were at the Diamond rooms now. “Yep. We are. Uh... who do we go to first?”   
  
Pearl shrugged. “Maybe we should talk to them all.”   
  
“Uh, I’d rather not...” Steven said.   
  
“Ah, that’s fine, then.” Pearl said. “Why don’t you choose?”   
  
Steven glanced between Yellow and Blue before going into Blue’s room. Blue was there, chilling up high on one of her happy clouds with other gems, chatting happily with them. Steven sighed and cupped his mouth. “HEY, BLUE!!!”   
  
Blue looked down at him and smiled. “Steven?” She floated down, startling everyone except Steven. Greg gawked at her size, backing up a little. Steven chuckled at that.

“Hello, Steve-- oh, dear.” Blue frowned. “Um, who’s your friend? I did not know there was more than one Steven...”   
  
“This is my gem. I named him Cosmo.” Steven explained briefly. “I’m trying to refuse with him. Can you help?”   
  
“Your gem?!” Blue gasped, her cloud vanishing beneath her. She landed on the ground with an ‘oof’. “So that’s Pink!?”   
  
“No! No! He’s-- he’s  _ me _ , but my gem! He’s not Pink Diamond!”   
  
“... Are you certain?” Blue asked, getting closer to Cosmo. Cosmo held Steven closer to him. 

“Do you know me... Cosmo? Pink?”   
  
“Yes. You are Blue Diamond.”   
  
“Yes, I am... and you are Pink Diamond?”   
  
“I am  **a** Pink Diamond. I am not Steven’s mother, nor a member of your Diamond Authority.”

“Oh.” Blue sighed. “Alright, then... so you two want to fuse back together? Why don’t you just simply do it?”   


“Steven’s too sad.” Cosmo replied bluntly. Steven stared at him incredulously. “Wha-- no! I--” He huffed. “We just can’t get in sync, is all...”   
  
“Oh, well, if happiness is the issue, you know I have the cure!” Blue smiled, forming a cloud and blowing it over to them. Steven backed up a bit. Cosmo formed a shield, blocking the cloud. Blue frowned. “It can’t help you unless you get on it...”   
  
Steven sighed. “Alright, fine. Cosmo, it’s safe. We should get on it.”   
  
Cosmo dropped his shield and followed Steven’s lead, hopping on the cloud with him. Immediately, Steven felt  _ leagues _ happier. It was fake, but it was better than what he’d been feeling before. He smiled blissfully and sank back into the cloud. Cosmo’s eyes went wide as he stared down at the blue cloud. Steven chuckled. He must still be checking for threats.

“Yooo, that’s cool... can I get one?” Amethyst asked. Blue nodded and formed another for her. Amethyst grinned and leapt onto it. “Aw, yeah!!!”   
  
Connie touched one curiously and chuckled. “Oh! This is nice!” She offered it to Greg, who did the same thing. Pearl and Garnet just stood by idly.

“Steven.” Cosmo said.  Steven looked over. 

“Uh, what’s up?”   
  
Cosmo furrowed his brows and looked up. “... Clouds, gems, a glass dome, and the sky. Steven, there is a problem."

“What?” He frowned. “What’s wrong?”   
  
“I am... I...” Cosmo laughed, then winced and frowned, holding his face. “My body is buzzing, I feel lighter, and I have the strange compulsion to... smile and laugh?”   
  
Steven laughed. “You’re happy!”   
  
“I’m... happy?”   
  
“Yeah! You’re feeling happiness!”   


Cosmo stared down at himself, mildly distressed. “Is this much happiness... good?”   
  
“Yes! Yes, it’s fine!” Steven laughed harder. “Oh my god, Cosmo!” He grabbed his shoulders. “Just relax, okay? Here, relax your shoulders...” He put them down. “Take deep breaths... then just let yourself be happy!”   


Cosmo breathed in weirdly, like it was his first time doing so, then breathed out in the same manner, making a stupid face. Steven snorted and guffawed, leaning back into the cloud and kicking happily. Cosmo looked over and started to laugh, too, until they were both giggling on the cloud. They glowed, then fused back together.

Steven, with his gem, gasped and felt himself. “I- I’m back??”   
  
Amethyst cheered from a little bit behind him. _“IT WORKED!!!”_   
  
There was a chorus of cheering. Steven grinned. “It did! It worked! I feel-- oh, wow, I feel  _ great _ !” He beamed. He never noticed until now, but being unfused felt so  _ horrible _ ! It was like a part of him was missing... until now! He pulled up his shirt and looked down at Cosmo-- er  _ his gem _ and felt a completeness inside him.

“Wonderful!” Blue beamed. “I’m so glad I could help you, Steven!”   
  
“Thank you, Blue!” Steven said, floating down and hopping off. “Your magic clouds were just what I need--”

He unfused.

“--ed.”

Steven stared at Cosmo, whose hand he was holding. He looked back at the cloud. “... Wh... but...”   
  
He hopped back on with Cosmo. They fused again. Steven frowned. “Wait... so... it only works if I’m on the clouds?”   
  
“Uh oh...” Amethyst pouted. “That’s gonna be a problem...”   
  
“No! No! I can fix it!” Steven reassured. “Blue, can I take a cloud with me?”   
  
“Oh, sure, Steven!” Blue said. “But they do vanish after ten minutes.”   
  
“Ten minutes!?” Steven blurted. “I need to stay fused longer than ten minutes!”   
  
“I’m so sorry, Steven...” Blue sighed. “Perhaps Yellow or White could help you... Though, you are always welcome here.”   
  
Steven’s cloud began to sink. He whimpered. Maybe he could stay here forever? No, no, he had to do other things! Like hang out with Connie or be with the gems! As much as he wanted to just stay here and call it a day, it wasn’t happening. He reluctantly hopped off the cloud and unfused, following everybody else as they left for Yellow’s room.

Yellow was relaxing in her room, chatting to a few repaired gems she held in her hands. They seemed a bit skittish, but overall calm. 

“Hey, Yellow.” Steven greeted. Yellow looked up. “Steven? Oh my! I didn’t expect to see you back so soon! Give me a moment.” She turned to the repaired gems and murmured something to them. They nodded and she set them down on the ground. They ran off and out of Yellow’s room happily.

“What seems to be the problem?” She asked. “And, um, who’s that pink one?”   
  
“This is... my gem.” Steven said, lifting up his shirt. “It got pulled out. I need to re-fuse with him so I don’t die. But I can’t get in sync.”   
  
Yellow’s eyebrows raised. “Your gem...?”   
  
“He’s not Pink Diamond.” He deadpanned. “Blue asked the same thing earlier.”   
  
“Oh.” Yellow frowned. “Well, no matter, you want to fuse back together?”    
  
She paled.   
  
“Wait, Steven, hold on, are you asking me to...  _ force _ you two back together?”   
  
“No! No! Nothing like that. I don’t, uh, have a gem so you can’t, actually... but if you could just... nudge the process along?”   
  
“No! I won’t do it!” Yellow scowled. “I’ve done enough force fusion experiments for one lifetime, I’m not adding to my count!”   
  
“But Yellow! We  _ want _ to be fused! And if we aren’t fused, I could die!”

Yellow’s eyes widened. “Die? Permanently?”   
  
“Wh- uh- YES!” Steven exclaimed. “If I let go of  _ this guy’s  _ hand for even a  _ second _ , I will die! Immediately! So we need to fuse. Please.”   
  
Yellow bit her lip and inhaled, thinking, before letting it out in one big sigh. “Okay. But only for your safety.  _ Please _ let me know if you’re hurting.”   
  
Steven nodded.   


Yellow readied her hand, it sparking with energy. “Everyone else! Stand back!”   
  
“Don’t gotta tell me twice!” Greg squeaked, running back to the doorway. Everyone else backed up, too.  Cosmo growled at Yellow, narrowing his eyes. Steven squeezed his hand. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Stand down.”   
  
Cosmo did as told and Yellow fired her beam. Steven screamed as it jolted his body. He could feel all his light components-- or were they Cosmo’s?-- wobble and bend. The flash ended and he panted, standing still on the floor. He looked to his right, then to his left. He smiled. It worked! Cosmo wasn’t here and he felt fine!

“Did... did it work?” Connie asked, stepping forward. 

Steven turned around.  “Yeah!” 

Connie screamed and scuttled back. Steven looked behind him for the source of her fear. He furrowed his brows. “What’s wrong?”   
  
“YOU!” Connie said. “L-look down!”   


Steven looked down and saw his own body... and Cosmo’s. They were phased into each other. It was like two video game characters standing in the same spot, both visible but glitching out of each other wildly. 

Steven leapt back in horror and faced Cosmo, who’s eyes widened as he tried to grab Steven’s hand. His hand phased through him and Steven winced. “ _Uhhhhhh_ , okay! This is weird!”

“Yeah!” Connie called.   
  
“Should I change you back?” Yellow asked. Steven looked back at Cosmo and then shook his head. “No, no... we-- we’re somehow tethered, even though we’re not together! I think... this is actually better! I don’t have to hold his hand anymore! And...”  He started to walk towards the group. “I can go as far away from.. Hi--” He dropped to his knees, heart skipping beats and blood turning cold. “--m as I wannnn...”   
  
“STEVEN!” Pearl, Greg, and Connie cried out, rushing to him. Cosmo ran to him, too, and stood where he was. Steven perked up and was able to sit up, heaving. “O-okay, so I can’t get too far away...”   
  
“This won’t work.” Garnet said. “Change him back.”   
  
Yellow nodded. “Right. Everyone, stand back.”   
  
They did so and she zapped them again. Cosmo picked up Steven and gripped him tightly once they were able to touch each other again. Yellow frowned.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t help, Steven... maybe White could somehow fix this?”

Steven sighed. “Maybe... thanks anyways, Yellow.”   
  
“You’re welcome.”    
  
Steven turned to the door and walked out with everyone. How could White help? He had no idea... and after last time, he wasn’t sure he wanted to see her again... He lagged a little behind the group, unsure if he should even go in. It turned out to be too late, though, as they had already entered. Steven gulped and moved to the front of the group. “Hi, White.”

White was meditating. She opened an eye. “Steven? Wh--” She gasped and stared at Cosmo. “Oh my goodness! Your gem!”   
  
Steven frowned. “Uh- yeah. I know. Listen--”   
  
“Oh, Steven, who did this to you?” White asked, leaning down. Cosmo put an arm in front of Steven protectively. White frowned. "Oh… Pink… I’m so sorry, please, don’t be afraid.”   
  
“I am not Pink Diamond.” Cosmo said. 

White blinked. “Um… of course…  _ you.” _

“Okay, this doesn’t matter.” Steven said dismissively. “What  _ matters _ is how we can fix this.”

“Won’t you just fuse back together like last time?” White asked.

“Last time?” Pearl asked. “What do you mean  _ last time _ ? This is the first time Steven’s been separated from his gem!”

White blinked in surprise, then frowned and put a hand over her heart. “Oh, that’s right, you don’t remember… I’m so sorry. You see, a few years ago--”   


“White!” Steven hissed. 

White didn’t hear him. “--back when Steven and I weren’t friends, I thought that Pink was just  _ trapped _ inside him! So-- it's quite _embarrassing_ actually-- what I did was--”

“DON’T!” Steven screamed. 

White startled, as did the rest of the group.

“It- it doesn’t matter.” Steven said, hurriedly. “What matters is fixing this!”

“No, no,” Pearl refuted. “White, what happened? What did you do?”

“Pearl!” Steven whined, ignored.

“I pulled out his gem.” White said simply. 

A gasp spread throughout the group. Connie bit down on her lip and avoided Steven’s harsh eyes. 

“Steven, you--” Pearl glanced back over to him. “Y… why didn’t you tell us? When did this--”

“It doesn’t matter, okay!?” Steven growled. “Yeah, it happened, whatever. Bygones be bygones, right? I'm kinda trying to focus on not dying right now?"  
  
Amethyst glared daggers at White. "DUDE! How could you do that to _Steven!?"_

White flinched back. “Oh, Amethyst, forgive me… I was a different person back then!”   
  
“No way!" Amethyst snarled, drawing her whip. “Man, I'm gonna--”

Connie grabbed her wrist. “Amethyst, no.”

“Aren’t you mad, too?” Amethyst glowered at her. 

“I…” Connie frowned. 

Amethyst furrowed her brows. “... Wait. Did-- did you  _ know _ about this?”

“Steven told me not to tell you, I--”   
  
“HE WHAT?” Amethyst shrieked, staring at Steven. Steven backed up. 

“I- I didn’t want to worry you--”

“You should have told us!” Amethyst said. “We could’ve protected you! We- we coulda--” She frowned. “... Wait, so… wait. You went through that, and did it  _ again _ ?”

Steven flushed, and Cosmo cracked the floor. “I- Um--”

“Steven…” Garnet whispered. 

Steven fought back tears. “I-it’s not like it mattered, okay!? I had a job to do, and I did it. If I had been a baby and held a grudge, we wouldn’t be where we are today!”

“You wouldn’t have been a baby for being mad at someone for almost killing you!” Amethyst said. “Anyone who tries to kill you-- that’s messed up!”

Steven grit his teeth. "... Y-yeah, I _guess_ \-- listen, we have _more important--_ "

"Steven." Amethyst put a hand on his shoulder. "NOTHIN' is more important than your safety."

Steven rolled his eyes. "Yeah, _real_ mature Amethyst."

"Wha--" Amethyst recoiled. "Huh?"

"'Cause you _always_ know what's best for me, huh?" He grumbled, looking away. "Just-- just drop it."

Garnet approached. "Steven, control your anger."

That made Steven's anger burst and he shouted out, stomping the floor and shaking the pillars. "I SAID **DROP IT!** "

The silence he got afterwards was deafening, and soon a hot wave of embarrassment washed over him. He gulped and shook, gripping Cosmo's hand harder as he was just reminded more and more of his failures and of his family's perspective of him. He looked up and saw Connie trying to approach, but she slowed down. Steven looked around and realized that yet again, he was in super-speed mode. He glanced at Cosmo, who looked back at him in return.

Steven sighed, too tired to really run and hopped in Cosmo's arms.

"Cosmo... take me to the warp." He mumbled. "I don't wanna be here anymore."

Cosmo nodded and ran off. 

Soon he found himself in The Garden again- probably because he was busy thinking about his attempt there. He accepted it and sighed, getting out of Cosmo's hold and collapsing to the broken tile, letting a few tears roll down his cheeks. 

“Darnit.” He muttered. “I can’t believe I just did that…”

He buried his face in his hands. “I need to keep my big, fat, mouth shut more often.”

Cosmo sat beside him. 

“...” Steven glanced up at him. “Why  _ did  _ I pull you out, anyways? I know it’s ‘cause I wanted to die, but…”

He sighed. “I probably coulda just used another method… something that wouldn’t leave me with you.”

He laid down. “Now they’re gonna worry about me. They’re gonna think that this is all their fault and hate me. As if I wasn’t already a burden on them, now I’m throwing tantrums.”

The warp pad activated. Steven sighed and shut his eyes. “Hello.”

“Hi, Steven.” Connie said.  Steven waited for more voices, none came. He furrowed his brows and opened his eyes, looking up at Connie. “Connie? It’s just you? But, how did you warp?”

“One of the gems helped me.” She said, sitting down beside him and resting a hand on his. “... We’re all worried about you.”

“No duh.” Steven grumbled, then gasped and slapped a hand over his mouth. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. That was- I didn't mean to be rude or anything, um--"

Connie chuckled. “It’s okay, Steven. Uh--” 

She glanced around at the garden. “What is this place?”

“The Garden. Where my mother… um… abandoned Spinel.”

“Spinel’s the pink one with the heart gem, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah.” She hummed. “... Listen, Steven, um… I’m not gonna force you to come back to the house-- but everyone just wants to sit down and have a talk, okay? I promise they won’t be hostile anymore. Um, and Amethyst wasn’t actually mad at you, okay? She was mad at White.”

Steven sighed. He didn’t really care either way. “Okay.”

“...”

Connie laid down and held his hand, looking up to space. “... The stars are really pretty, huh?”

Steven looked up at them. 

_ Being bubbled, Spinel, Pink Diamond, pulling out his gem-- _

“Pretty, yeah.” He mumbled, looking away from the stars. 

“I can go if you want.” Connie said. 

“Please.”

Connie nodded and got up, going to the warp pad. “... I actually need help warping back?”

Steven sighed and got up slowly, trudging over and warping her back to the house. She stepped off and everyone looked up at him expectantly. He sighed again. Well, might as well get it over with…

“Hi.” He mumbled, waving.

They waved back.

Steven bit his lip and stepped off the warp, waiting for someone to speak up first.

“Steven, please, sit down.” Garnet said, patting a spot next to her on the couch. Steven did as told, with Cosmo also taking up some space.

There was a long bout of silence. Steven noticed that nobody seemed to know where to begin. He didn’t know either.

But he supposed it was up to him to try.

“... I’m sorry for yelling."   


“No, we’re sorry for…” Pearl began, then trailed off. “... Why didn’t you tell us, Steven? What did we do to make you think you couldn’t trust us like that?”

Steven sighed. “I just--”

“...”

He held Cosmo’s hand tighter, finding comfort in that touch that he normally despised.

“As a kid, I felt like… you guys were already under  _ such _ pressure. I didn’t wanna add to that. I felt like I had to keep everything secret from you guys. We were dealing with the end of the world on a daily basis and… if I let my emotions get to me, then I’d never get anything done.”

“We had  _ some  _ free time.” Amethyst pointed out. “Why didn’t you tell us then? Even if we couldn’t work through it all the way, we still could’ve helped.”

“... As I said: I didn’t want to put more pressure on you guys.”

She nodded, eyes downcast.

He sighed, feeling his body tense. 

He wanted to say so much, but years and years of bottling up his emotions, his problems, his thoughts… those bottles were trying so desperately to hold onto those things, even today. But a few had already loosened before, on Homeworld, and a few more just then. Steven could feel more swelling up in his chest, twisting and curling and fighting against him, desperately trying to free themselves so he could he  _ heard _ for once. 

Everything he’d been wanting to say for so many years, heard,  _ finally _ .

He clamped down on his lip, trying to hold them back.

“It’s not just that.” He blurted despite himself. Suddenly, everything began to spill out.

“ _ I _ didn’t want to think about my problems, either. Everything was just so  _ complicated _ . At first, it was just that missions were kind of hard and I messed up a lot, then everything with Rose started and I began to wonder if I was my mom. Then, I found out my mom did a lot of bad things-- and if  _ she _ did bad things, does that mean she’s a bad person? And if I’m her, does that make  _ me _ a bad person? Do I have to atone for her crimes? Is this what she  _ wanted _ for me? To fix her mistakes?”

He took a breath.

“Then I found out she was Pink Diamond, and I needed to wonder if I was Pink Diamond, or Rose Quartz, or both, or just me! I began to get memories from her, and that made me think I really was her-- or I was keeping you guys from seeing her again, and she was just trapped inside me, wanting to come out. And that I was just selfishly hoarding her gem and keeping her dead when all of you wanted her back so  _ badly _ . I felt that it’d be better if she was here, if  **_I_ ** _ wasn’t _ . If I died, she would come back, and finally everything would be okay.”

“...”

“I wouldn’t have to wonder anymore if I was her, because then it’d be proven. It’d be proven that I really was just my mom, except  _ worse _ and  _ weaker _ and  _ smaller _ and  **_stupider_ ** _. _ ”

“Steven…” Pearl murmured.

“I’m not  _ done _ .” Steven cut her off. “But that’s not answering your question: ‘ _ Why didn’t I tell you?’  _ Well, I didn’t want to think about my own problems, I didn’t want to pressure you, and everything was so complex and I--”

“... I already felt like a failure.” He mumbled, tears burning. “... I felt like I could never live up to my mother-- live up to what you all wanted me to be. I was never her, I was never human, I was never a Diamond… I’m never anything.”

“I’m nothing.”

“And…”

He searched for the words, for more bottles to open.

“... And sometimes the problems were  _ your _ fault. Like how Pearl called me by my mother’s name, or how she almost killed me twice, or how none of you stood up for me when gems tried to kill me, or how my dad always  _ conspired _ with Connie behind my back with that whole ‘ _ human beings’ _ thing, or how none of you helped me when I fought people or…”

He mentally took a step back, chastising himself for being so hard on them. _Even if it's true_ another part of himself tacked on. 

“... A lot of things.”

He buried his head in his hands.

“Most of all, I didn’t want to hurt you. Like  _ she _ did.”

His words lingered in the air, silence accompanying them. 

For a few moments, nothing happened.

Then Steven was wrapped in a hug.

He gasped, looking up and seeing Garnet, tears staining her cheeks.

He felt more arms from behind him. Pearl, Amethyst, Connie, his dad… everyone.

Even Cosmo hugged him.

“I’m so sorry.” Garnet choked out. “We should have been there for you."

“I _love_ you, Steven. You know that..." Pearl mumbled. “I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world, not even your mother.”   


“Me neither.” Greg sniffled.

“I’m sorry about the human beings thing.” Connie said. “I never realized it would make you feel alienated…”

“You’re not nothing, Steven.” Amethyst said, kissing his cheek lovingly. “... You’re everything.”

Steven teared up, lip quivering. “... B-... I--”

“Thank you for finally telling us.” Pearl said, tilting his face up to meet her eyes. “... It’s important you tell us what’s wrong from now on… because if you don’t tell us, how can we possibly help you?”

Steven sobbed, hugging her back.

The seven of them stayed like that for a long time. Steven bawled his eyes out with his family, soaking up their love. The bottles in his chest were finally emptied out, and he felt lighter.  Everything that had been weighing on him since a kid: his identity, his mother, the gems, his battles, his human family… he said everything he needed to say, and the world wasn’t falling apart.

Well, he said  _ almost _ everything.

“I-- I have something else to tell you all.” Steven said. The group broke off from the hug, drying their tears and listening attentively.

“Yes, Steven?” Pearl led.

“...” Steven took a deep breath, squeezed Cosmo’s hand, and then breathed out again.

“I was diagnosed with something at the hospital. Only dad knew because I didn’t want to worry you guys, or risk you pitying me for this… but, um... _apparently_ I have... depression, anxiety, and 'C-PTSD'.”

Connie gasped softly. The gems looked stunned.

“... W- what does that mean for you? For us?” Amethyst asked. “Is that why you…” Her eyes trailed to Cosmo.

Steven frowned. “Maybe. I-- I dunno. But… it means I have to take medication for it, and probably… see someone about my brain being all broken.”

“Wh-- your brain being broken?” His dad repeated. “What are you talking about?”

“Depression? Anxiety? I just told you.”

“Steven, that doesn’t make you broken.” His dad said, scooting closer to him. “It just makes you different.”

Steven sighed. “As if I’m not already different enough…”

Greg pat his back. “Steven, you’re not broken. You’re just hurt right now. But we’re gonna help you. Help you feel like yourself again.”

He hugged him.

“Make sure you feel good.”

Steven looked downwards. “It won’t make my brain stuff go away… there’s no cure apparently.”

“I know.” Greg said. “And there doesn’t need to be. You can be happy  _ and _ have all that stuff going on. It’ll just take some time to get used to, okay?”

Steven nodded, hugging him back. “Okay.”

\----------

Steven shut the fridge, taking out his midnight snack and beginning to eat. As he ate, his eyes drifted around his house, then landed on the place where his mother’s portrait used to be.

He wasn’t his mother, he wasn’t a Diamond (at least, he didn’t feel like one), he wasn’t human…

There were so many things he wasn’t, but what  _ was _ he?

“Who am I…?” He wondered aloud.

“You’re Steven Universe.” Cosmo replied. Steven jumped, startled by his response. He sighed and then hummed.

“Yeah, I guess, but what does that  _ mean _ ?”

“It means you are attached to the name Steven Universe.”   


“I meant, like, in a philosophical way?” Steven corrected, then groaned. “Nevermind, you won’t understand. You never do. I don’t know why I’m even talking to you.”

“...”

“...” Steven swallowed the last bite of his snack and put the wrapping in the trash. He looked back over at Cosmo, who had the same blank stare he always had.

“... I wonder if you’re a part of who I am.” He said, leaning against the countertop and gazing at Cosmo contemplatively. “You do look like me, but you’re nothing like me. And I never really considered you before. Then again, I’ve never really thought about who I  _ was  _ before. At least, not like this."

Cosmo looked back at him. “... Am I supposed to respond?”

“Nah, not really.” Steven said. “I’m just… talking to myself.”

He chuckled. “Literally.”

Cosmo tilted his head. Steven snoofed. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment! There aren't many so far, but I love everything you guys have to say! So leave some words bro :)


	4. Day Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and his family have a fun day out- but Steven doesn't want to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy disclaimer i realized this might come off as insensitive? but ofc im not saying what worked for steven/kinda works for me will work for everybody so <3 dw 
> 
> also oops it's short lol. also i didnt go over it as much as i did the other ones

Steven stretched out in his bed, making sure to avoid hitting Cosmo with his arms before getting dressed and heading downstairs. Cosmo followed behind, rubbing his eyes. 

“Did you actually sleep last night?” Steven asked him, noticing Cosmo’s behaviour. 

“Yes.” Cosmo responded.

“Why?”

“You do it, and it helps you, so I considered that it would maybe help me.”

“Did it?”

“No.”

Steven chuckled. “Okay, then.”

“Steven! You’re up!” Pearl greeted cheerily. “We have a surprise for you!~”

“Oh?” Steven blinked. “What… is it?”

“A roadtrip!” Greg called out. “Uh, well, kinda? We’re gonna go to Ocean Town for a fun day out!”

“Yeah, dude,” Amethyst slung her arm around him. “We figured since you’re under a lot of pressure and stuff, that you needed to have some fun!”

“Oh.” 

Amethyst's smile dropped. “Is that… okay?”

Steven forced a smile. “It’s okay. It might be good, I suppose.”   
  
“Great!” Pearl chirped. “Have breakfast, then we’ll get going!”

Steven nodded, sitting down at the table and beginning to eat. 

It’s not that he didn’t  _ want _ to go on a day out, but this was so sudden, and he wasn’t sure if he felt up for it… all he’d been doing the past few days was sitting inside miserably or going somewhere and getting sad. He felt anxious about being seen like this, too. What is his friends saw him? Would he have to explain to them what happened? 

He shuddered at the thought. He hoped not…

He sighed and finished his apple juice. He didn’t want to go… but if he didn’t, his family would probably be sad about it. He just had to suck it up. 

After breakfast, he went upstairs to get changed, Cosmo standing facing away from him.

It was silent for a long while, and Steven had just finished putting on his shirt when he felt Cosmo hug him. 

"AUGH!" Steven shouted in surprise, staring back at him. "What the-- Cosmo! What are you doing!?"

"You're sad."

"What???" Steven furrowed his brows. "No I'm not! Get off me!" He shoved him off.

Cosmo regained his balance and stared at Steven. 

"You're sad."

Steven huffed, turning away from him and grabbing his jacket. 

"Really? That's funny, 'cause I don't feel sad." He said sarcastically.

"..."

"..." Steven rolled his eyes. "Any ideas _why_ I'm sad, then? Hm? How do you know I'm sad when even _I_ don't?"

"You're sad because..." 

Cosmo thought.

"... You do not want to go outside."

Steven pulled on his jacket and sighed, taking Cosmo's hand.

"Yeah, but it doesn't matter. My family wants me to go out, so I'll go out."

"..."

They headed downstairs together, Cosmo mimicking Steven's jacket on the way. Steven rolled his eyes again at him. 

“Ready to go?” Greg asked the two of them.

Steven nodded. “Mhmm. All ready.”

“Great!” Pearl chirped, heading out. The rest followed after her, piling into the back of the van. Garnet was in the front with Greg.

Steven hummed. “Hey, where’s Connie?”

“She had to go home.” Greg said. “Her parents needed her back at some point, but she  _ really _ wanted to stay for you.”

“Oh.” Steven frowned, curling up a bit.

They began to drive, and there was a short moment of awkward silence before Amethyst spoke.

“So, uh, what do you want to do once we get to town?” She asked Steven.

He shrugged. “Dunno.”

Amethyst bit her lip. “Um, okay, how about you, Cosmo..? You hoping for anything?”

Cosmo scrunched up his face. “Uhhhhhh…”   


“He can’t answer complex questions.” Steven stated.

“Complex? How was that complex?” Amethyst scoffed. 

“He doesn’t really have hopes. Or dreams. Or opinions. Or feelings. So…”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true…” Pearl said. “ _ Everyone _ has feelings! Maybe he just needs some encouragement? Cosmo: what are you feeling right now?”

“I don’t have feelings.”

“See?” Steven said.

“Hm.” Pearl thought. “Maybe he just doesn’t know how… Cosmo, do you have opinions?”

“... I… don’t know how to have those.” Cosmo said.

“Well, um.” Pearl thought. “An opinion is how you feel towards something! For example, I have an opinion that I love Steven. Or I don’t like eating. Here: what’s your  _ opinion _ on Steven?”

Cosmo stared at Steven, analyzing him. Steven sweat, uncomfortable.

“I… want to be fused with him. So…”

He thought harder. Steven could swear he could see the wheels turning in his head.

“I… love… him… too?”

Steven recoiled. 

“Oh!” Pearl smiled. “See? You can have opinions!”

“... Steven, may I have opinions?” Cosmo asked.

Steven shrugged. “I don’t care, dude.”   


Cosmo blinked.

Steven groaned. “Yes. You can have opinions. And, y’know, while we’re at it: something normal people  _ also _ do is ask questions when they’re unsure of something. Like, instead of just going ‘uhhh’ you can ask a question!”

“... uhhhhhhhhh…” He scrunched up his face. “... I can ask questions un… unprompted…?”

“Yes, like that.”

Cosmo nodded slowly. “...”

“How do you feel, Cosmo dude?” Amethyst asked.

“I do not feel. H-however… my opinion… is that… there is a lot of information to... take in.”

Amethyst laughed.

Steven huffed, drowning out the last of the conversation and burying his head in his arms. This trip was going to be horrible. 

They arrived in Ocean Town Square fifteen minutes later, everyone leaving the van and stretching out after sitting for so long.

“So, where to first?” Greg asked. “We could go shopping, wander around the square and see the sights, go somewhere else…”

Steven waited for the others to respond. They seemed to be waiting on him to.

Steven sighed and shrugged. “Wherevers fine.”

“Oh.” His dad mumbled. “Well, okay then! Let’s uh... hm.”

“I’d like to go shopping!” Pearl said. 

“Shopping it is!” Greg agreed, walking towards the shops, everyone following behind. 

Steven sighed as they began to walk. He couldn’t wait for this to be over so he could just sit down at home. He already felt tired just being outside, the sun hurting his eyes. He squinted, walking along with them.

They walked in and out of shops, browsing around. Amethyst and his father seemed to have the most fun, getting Pearl and Garnet in on it a few times. Steven just watched, too tired to act all silly and try on stupid things. It was nice, he guessed, but he wasn’t having fun.

“Yo, Steven, try these on!” Amethyst said, putting a silly pair of glasses on Steven. Steven huffed and took them off. 

“I’d rather not.”

Amethyst frowned and took them back. “...” She glanced up at Cosmo and then put them on his face. He scrunched his face up and flinched back, staring at the glasses. “...”

Amethyst laughed. “Oh my god, you look great, Cosmo!”

Cosmo blinked, glancing down at her. “... What... are these?”

“They’re glasses! They make you look better. Or, well, in this case, worse. Here:” She held up a mirror. “Look!”

Cosmo stared at his reflection and tilted his head. “...” He glanced up at Steven, then back at the reflection.

“Steven, I have a question.” He stated.

“Yeah? Ask it.” Steven replied.

“...” Cosmo tapped the mirror. “How are you… _in_ this?”

Amethyst snorted. “Oh my god, Cosmo, have you never seen a mirror before?”

“I have.”

“That’s you, Cosmo!”

Cosmo stared at himself again and cocked his head to the side. “...”

“What’cha thinkin’, bud?” Amethyst coaxed.

“I have never seen myself before…” He said. “... Why are my eyes different?”

“Those are the glasses.” Amethyst said, taking them off his face. He gasped, feeling up his face and watching his reflection.

“C’mon, let’s get you to try on some other stuff!” Amethyst said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along. Steven held still, trying to get Cosmo to stay.

Amethyst frowned, glancing back at Steven. “You can join, too, y’know.”

“No thanks.”

“Let Cosmo join, then, you can’t dictate his life.”

“He doesn’t  _ have _ a life. He isn’t  _ alive _ .”

Amethyst frowned. “That’s rude.”

Steven rolled his eyes. “Alright, fine, Cosmo, do you want to go with Amethyst?”

Cosmo blinked. “... I can ‘want’ things?”

“It’s the same as having opinions!” Amethyst said. 

“... I have a question: why would I want to go with you and… ‘join’?”

“Because it’s fun.” 

“Fun? What is… ‘fun’?”

“Oh. my. _gosh_.” Amethyst gasped. “You  _ need _ to try fun! Fun makes you feel good! And happy!”

Cosmo’s eyes widened. “Happy? Good?”

He began to walk towards the others, dragging Steven along. “Steven must feel happy and good.”

“I don’t!” Steven protested, trying to pull away. “I just wanna-- stay-- in the-- corner!!!”

Cosmo yanked him forward. “No. Steven has to be happy. Then, we can fuse.”

“Ugh.” Steven groaned. “Why did I have to teach you about wanting things...?”

They spent most of the day goofing around. Steven was unenthusiastically roped into things as Cosmo was learning about having ‘fun’. Cosmo of course tried to get Steven to do ‘fun’ things, but Steven didn’t want to do anything stupid, he just wanted to go home!

Eventually, he and Cosmo were sat outside, waiting for Steven’s father to finish up in the bathroom. They were nearing the end of their trip, which Steven was grateful for.

Steven glanced over at Cosmo. “... Why do they like you so much?”

Cosmo titled his head. “I don’t understand the--”

“I’m talking to myself at you. Shut up. Why do they like you, huh? You’re  _ nothing.  _ You’re not a person. You have no wants, or opinions, or dreams… you only have them because others decide you do. How do they like you more than me? How are you having more  _ fun _ than me?”

“...” Cosmo blinked. “I have an opinion.”

“ _Fine_ , let me hear it.” Steven sighed.

“When I was having… ‘fun’, I was speaking with others and partaking in their activities. You have not. I think that’s why you’re sad.”

Steven was about to fire back before he realized that Cosmo was… right. He had been avoiding doing  _ anything _ all day. He was so excited to get back home, he didn’t even  _ try _ to enjoy his day out! Of COURSE it sucked-- he wasn’t  _ doing _ anything fun! 

"Huh." He nodded to himself. "... I think you're right, Cosmo. I wasn't having fun because I wasn't... _allowing_ myself to have fun..."

_If he just tried it out, maybe he’d have a better time…_ He thought to himself.

His father came out of the bathroom. “Alright, where to next, y’think?”

Steven don’t know why his father asked him all the time since he never had an opinion… but this time, he was glad he did.

“I heard there was a little fair going on a few miles ahead.” He said. “Can we go there?”

His father seemed surprised by his enthusiasm, then smiled. “Alright! To the fair!”

Everyone got in the van, Steven sitting up this time and speaking to Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst. The more he spoke to them, the better he felt. Even though he had to take a break sometimes because of his low energy, he was still going to try and have fun.

When they arrived at the fair, Steven found he actually had a  _ great _ time! He participated in everything, he tried stuff out, and he didn’t reject anything stupid. By the time they left, he was happily exhausted and plopped down in the back of the van with a big smile on his face.

His family seemed very happy at that.

That night, after he got home and ate dinner, he settled into bed with Cosmo.

“Hey, Cosmo?”

Cosmo didn’t react. Steven knew he was listening, though.

“Thanks for convincing me to try and have fun today. I really appreciate it.”   


Cosmo glanced over at him. “...”

“... When someone says ‘thank you’, you can say ‘You’re welcome’.” Steven explained. “Or, you give your opinion on what they said.

Cosmo thought that over for a moment before speaking. 

“You’re welcome, Steven. My opinion is that I want you to have fun and be happy all the time. The more happy you are, the more likely it is that we can fuse.”

“... is that all you care about? Us fusing?”

“No. I also care about you staying alive.” Cosmo said. “My opinion is that I care about you. Even if I… do not have the capacity to care like you or any other living being does.”

Steven smiled and hugged him.

“Thank you.”

Cosmo blinked, processing, then slowly hugged him back.

“You’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys my fics haven't been getting a lot of support and it makes me want to give up on the fics I write! such as this one. if you like this fic, your kudos aren't enough for me to realize it. tell me what u think in the comments-- it doesn't have to be anything big, but im doing this for free in my own time and if i dont get support for it, i stop and move on to stuff that DOES get support. so! support this pls and COMMENT! otherwise this fic is going to be discontinued.
> 
> AND IF UR TOO SHY TO COMMENT, you can send me your thoughts ANONYMOUSLY on my tumblr!!! SUDIFFUSEDAU! send me smthn there or smthn here, both count for me :)

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope y'all enjoyed!!! Please leave a comment, I consume them for power and also they make me very happy :)


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